So Saturday night I was bored, wanted to get out of the house, Clayton was being a lump on the couch and we needed a few things at the grocery store, so decided to go. I figured since Abby was in such a good mood, had her nap, I brought her with me. I knew I was only going to be there for a short period of time so even if she had a meltdown, I would be okay.
We got there and she wanted to get in the cart...then she wanted out, then in...I was already getting frustrated and we hadn't even entered the store yet. Then I remembered those little "kid" carts that she used once before. "Let's go get Abby a cart!" Abby's eyes lit up. "Ok, let's go Mommy!" She ran over to the carts and pulled one out, nearly knocking over another child in the process...but no tears so all was good. Then, we commenced getting groceries. I figured that she'd "help" me put things in her cart and love pushing it around. Nah...what she really loved was the freedom to put anything her heart's desire wanted in "her" cart. First, it was a lime. Then, an orange. A bag of cranberries. Oops, gotta go get a loaf of Wonderbread, Mommy...ooh, what are these? I'll only take one...chestnut? Huh...
I had nothing in my cart and my kid was getting a bizarre assortment of stuff. I never told her not to, I just snuck behind her and put them back while she was off getting another thing. An apple...no, put that one back, maybe a green one? Ooh, raisins! Some tortillas, multi grain bread...MOMMY, it's CAKE! Ok, I need to put this bread away and get the cake. I know I could have been irritated by all this extra work. What was supposed to be a short grocery trip was becoming a three ring circus workout...for me! But truthfully, I didn't mind. She was so happy, so interested in the food and running down the aisles with her little cart, she made a cute picture. People smiled at her, laughed when she decided to put something back and get something else. I was just keeping her moving along and when her cart got full, she just started dumping her cart's contents into mine and start all over again. I didn't buy anything she put in there, except for the pretzels (cause man, this kid loves her pretzels) and a green apple...oh and a kiwi (cause on the drive over, she asked for a kiwi). I just loved watching her having so much fun. She didn't whine, cry, throw herself down on the floor or throw stuff around. And when we were all done, she took her cart over to the others and put it back while I waited in line for her. She didn't toss it in the general direction, nope, she very carefully put it right back in. Then she came back and asked if she could have pretzels...in a bowl...and watch Barbie. I smiled and said "Ok, but what do you say?" She looked up, pushed her shaggy little mop out of her blue eyes and smiled "Please Mommy?" And these are the moments that make your heart swell. I know she will cause me frustration and grief many times throughout her childhood but right now, I'm just treasuring these little moments where I utterly and completely am just enjoying being with her. Sigh...
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Things to think about...
Lately, I have been thinking about my past...not that it matters but I think of it. I long for those carefree days when there was no pressure, I felt happier (even when I was going through teen hell), summer was fun and I looked forward to things. I know I have changed, life happened. I am older but still I dwell on those old memories, old feelings. Like having them again will change things or make me feel better (cause I know, deep down, that they really won't). Nothing is ever as good as it was when you first remember it...which is why you long for it again. A first boyfriend, the anticipation of a first kiss, feeling like this sexy person that can flirt, have fun and not have any guards up.
But before you think the worst of me, I love my husband very much. He knows me more than anyone else. He gets me, he fights for me. He supports me, he holds me. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. But still, the memories flitter through my mind. So how do I try not to wish for those feelings again? It would be awesome if you could just magically have those feelings again? It's like a drug rush. But oh well...since I am not going back in a time machine to being 13 and in love for the first time, I must get over it and focus on my marriage and making THOSE feelings stronger and stronger so that when I am feeling nostalgic, I can shrug and say "Please...that was so lame!" Sigh...
But before you think the worst of me, I love my husband very much. He knows me more than anyone else. He gets me, he fights for me. He supports me, he holds me. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. But still, the memories flitter through my mind. So how do I try not to wish for those feelings again? It would be awesome if you could just magically have those feelings again? It's like a drug rush. But oh well...since I am not going back in a time machine to being 13 and in love for the first time, I must get over it and focus on my marriage and making THOSE feelings stronger and stronger so that when I am feeling nostalgic, I can shrug and say "Please...that was so lame!" Sigh...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How to live more economically
In the aftermath of my little girl's second birthday and with Christmas looming precariously in the near future (yes, I said it...Christmas!), money is tight in our household. My Visa has more on it than I would like to admit and we are looking at ways to cut back. The worst part is that when I look at the frugal websites, I'm doing all the right things...so where is my money?
1. Bringing your own instead of buying. I am NOT one of those people queuing for three hours every morning at Timmie's. I make my tea at home and me and my flask drive the commute together. Also, I seldom eat out for lunch. I brown bag it every day, whether it's leftovers or stuff I buy along with our groceries just for lunch.
2. Clip coupons. I do it. I clip them. But then, like my bags that I'm supposed to bring with me, I forget them at home...I need to be better at this one.
3. Wash laundry in cold water. I do this...in fact, we NEVER use hot water. But we do need to get back to using our drying rack to cut back on using our dryer.
4. Turning lights off. We're getting better at this. We have a motion sensor on the one so it only turns one when you walk into the room. It is awful funny to watch people freak when they are standing there and then it shuts off! But I am working on this one too. I have gotten better!
5. Using those funky lights that use less energy. Thanks to my hubby, almost all of our lightbulbs are the energy saving ones...so score one for us! Plus, we have a programmable thermostat which I know is a huge cost savings.
However, we still have a lot to work on, namely:
1. Eating out. We like to order pizza or go out for dinner once in a while. Even grabbing a bite at the fast food places can add up.
2. Buying stuff we don't need. I'm a sucker for sales and dollar stores are a huge weakeness. Does Abby need more toys or do I need another soup ladle? Here is where I need to limit going to stores to avoid purchasing "stuff"
3. Groceries. We spend way more than I want to. I'm working on that too. I found that keeping a list, sticking to it and writing down the price of EVERYTHING and tallying it WHILE shopping, keeps me on task...but it's a lot of work to do it and time consuming...hence the problem. Plus, having to buy gluten free IS more expensive so I try to buy more stuff that I can make than prepackaged cookies or snacks...it's hard though...I like convenience...it's so...CONVENIENT!
4. Stuff for Abby. Growing up with a single working parent, we didn't have a lot of extra stuff. I have a hard time NOT getting stuff for Abby. I try to limit myself to birthday, Christmas and other holidays but why do all girls' clothes and toys have to be so damn cute? It's not fair. I know she doesn't care what she wears...but I really would love to be able to buy more cute, fun clothes and not just buy the necessities. I'm working on it...
But it doesn't feel like the sacrifices have been helping. I haven't gotten my haircut since um, March (??), don't get pedicures, manicures, don't have a gym membership or take any classes (I didn't even take yoga, trying to save money)...so where is my money going??
Gas (I spend $500 a month with me commuting from Grimsby to Mississauga alone)
Food (groceries, eating out, ordering in, lunch food, etc)
Therapy (I have to pay up front and have no idea how much mine and Clayton's coverage will cover)
Shoppers (prescriptions-again, covered but have to pay up front)
My Visa keeps creeping higher and higher...ahh! I need to fix my monetary self! Sigh...shoot me...
1. Bringing your own instead of buying. I am NOT one of those people queuing for three hours every morning at Timmie's. I make my tea at home and me and my flask drive the commute together. Also, I seldom eat out for lunch. I brown bag it every day, whether it's leftovers or stuff I buy along with our groceries just for lunch.
2. Clip coupons. I do it. I clip them. But then, like my bags that I'm supposed to bring with me, I forget them at home...I need to be better at this one.
3. Wash laundry in cold water. I do this...in fact, we NEVER use hot water. But we do need to get back to using our drying rack to cut back on using our dryer.
4. Turning lights off. We're getting better at this. We have a motion sensor on the one so it only turns one when you walk into the room. It is awful funny to watch people freak when they are standing there and then it shuts off! But I am working on this one too. I have gotten better!
5. Using those funky lights that use less energy. Thanks to my hubby, almost all of our lightbulbs are the energy saving ones...so score one for us! Plus, we have a programmable thermostat which I know is a huge cost savings.
However, we still have a lot to work on, namely:
1. Eating out. We like to order pizza or go out for dinner once in a while. Even grabbing a bite at the fast food places can add up.
2. Buying stuff we don't need. I'm a sucker for sales and dollar stores are a huge weakeness. Does Abby need more toys or do I need another soup ladle? Here is where I need to limit going to stores to avoid purchasing "stuff"
3. Groceries. We spend way more than I want to. I'm working on that too. I found that keeping a list, sticking to it and writing down the price of EVERYTHING and tallying it WHILE shopping, keeps me on task...but it's a lot of work to do it and time consuming...hence the problem. Plus, having to buy gluten free IS more expensive so I try to buy more stuff that I can make than prepackaged cookies or snacks...it's hard though...I like convenience...it's so...CONVENIENT!
4. Stuff for Abby. Growing up with a single working parent, we didn't have a lot of extra stuff. I have a hard time NOT getting stuff for Abby. I try to limit myself to birthday, Christmas and other holidays but why do all girls' clothes and toys have to be so damn cute? It's not fair. I know she doesn't care what she wears...but I really would love to be able to buy more cute, fun clothes and not just buy the necessities. I'm working on it...
But it doesn't feel like the sacrifices have been helping. I haven't gotten my haircut since um, March (??), don't get pedicures, manicures, don't have a gym membership or take any classes (I didn't even take yoga, trying to save money)...so where is my money going??
Gas (I spend $500 a month with me commuting from Grimsby to Mississauga alone)
Food (groceries, eating out, ordering in, lunch food, etc)
Therapy (I have to pay up front and have no idea how much mine and Clayton's coverage will cover)
Shoppers (prescriptions-again, covered but have to pay up front)
My Visa keeps creeping higher and higher...ahh! I need to fix my monetary self! Sigh...shoot me...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
What makes me happy?
I think I need to keep a list handy so that when I’m down (which has been A LOT lately, I know…not good), I can read it and at least feel like SOMETHING in my life isn’t completely messed up.
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
1. Getting to leave work early and the traffic is light and it’s sunny and I have the windows down and there is awesome fun music on the radio.
2. That moment when I slide into bed and know that I get to go to sleep or read a little. It just feels so good.
3. When Abby gives me a hug or kiss without me begging her to. I could die a happy death feeling that love coming off her.
4. Peanut butter…yep, right out of the jar!
5. Sitting down with a Chai Tea Latte and time to actually drink it.
6. Feeling the breeze on my face when it’s cool but not cold and the sun is warm on my skin.
7. Hearing Abby laugh or giggle and seeing her little face all scrunched up and totally adorable.
8. Sliding into Clayton’s arms when I’m having a rough time. He is my rock.
9. Having my mom brush my hair with her fingers. I may be like 10 inches taller than her but if I sit next to her on the couch, she will pull me into her for a hug and stroke my hair…I feel so relaxed, like a child again.
10. Laying on the bed and my cat comes up the bed. I put out my arm, he lays down right in the crook of my armpit and body and just purrs, licks my fingers and my nose and I lay my hand on his back and feel his soft warm fur beneath my fingers…it’s like therapy.
11. When I’m sick and Owen comes and sleeps on the bed with me all day…even though he usually lays on the chair downstairs during the day. I call him Nurse Owen for taking care of me!
That's all I have right now, but whenever I think of something else, I will add it...
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
1. Getting to leave work early and the traffic is light and it’s sunny and I have the windows down and there is awesome fun music on the radio.
2. That moment when I slide into bed and know that I get to go to sleep or read a little. It just feels so good.
3. When Abby gives me a hug or kiss without me begging her to. I could die a happy death feeling that love coming off her.
4. Peanut butter…yep, right out of the jar!
5. Sitting down with a Chai Tea Latte and time to actually drink it.
6. Feeling the breeze on my face when it’s cool but not cold and the sun is warm on my skin.
7. Hearing Abby laugh or giggle and seeing her little face all scrunched up and totally adorable.
8. Sliding into Clayton’s arms when I’m having a rough time. He is my rock.
9. Having my mom brush my hair with her fingers. I may be like 10 inches taller than her but if I sit next to her on the couch, she will pull me into her for a hug and stroke my hair…I feel so relaxed, like a child again.
10. Laying on the bed and my cat comes up the bed. I put out my arm, he lays down right in the crook of my armpit and body and just purrs, licks my fingers and my nose and I lay my hand on his back and feel his soft warm fur beneath my fingers…it’s like therapy.
11. When I’m sick and Owen comes and sleeps on the bed with me all day…even though he usually lays on the chair downstairs during the day. I call him Nurse Owen for taking care of me!
That's all I have right now, but whenever I think of something else, I will add it...
Friday, August 26, 2011
The weird "movie" dream I had last night...
So last night (or very early this morning), I had this very consuming "movie" dream. I have these every once in a while, where I have a dream that is like a movie...I usually wake up exhausted (well, when you direct, produce and act in a movie all night...you usually do feel pretty wiped out eh?)
So anyway, here's the dream...I apologize if it makes no sense at all...but then again, maybe I should pitch it...hmmm...
I am at this museum like place, where I go through a number of exhibits (like the cloth found from Henry VIII, etc). Then I fall down this tunnel and end up in a room surrounded by other people who also fell down this tunnel. We climb up a stupid wall of shelves holding movies (irony?) and I finally reach this latch and open it up to find a slat no bigger than a business card...this is how we're supposed to be rescued. So this guy next to me gives me his business card and I stick it in (ripping it in the process, so good luck reading THAT) and we all fell off the wall. We were now stuck in this room, only one room away from this insanely vicious massive cannibal dog (thank goodness I don't watch horror movies cause every time he "caught" one, I would turn away so I never saw ANYTHING...whew!
So we were completely trapped here. Then suddenly, this guy walked through with a baby and the dog left him alone. He came into the room and we were all like "how did you do that?" Apparently, the dog won't touch anyone holding a baby. We end up getting out this side entrance into this house and look outside where there are literally hundreds of tornados and crazy lightning happening...so we're basically sitting ducks. We managed to get into another house (raiding their house for food cause we were starving) and avoiding the tornados. Now we just have to figure out how to get through that room with the dog without being killed. We come across this woman with a baby and decide to plan an escape to use the baby to get each one of us out. Then, it turns out that this whole destruction and evil dog is a plot by none other than Morgan Freeman (dude, I'm sorry, in my dream, you are evil!). One by one, we get killed by this dog and are no closer to escaping and we are now being hunted by more dogs (they are breeding these cannibal dogs to hunt us) and we're moving from house to house, hiding and trying to find a way to get home.
In the meantime, this family living in South Central LA (and no, I've never been there but apparently, I know all about it) works to escape these killer tornados taking over LA. They have to make it to this bridge (Golden Gate-my brain is apparently geographically confused too!) in this tiny little car.
I wish I could say that I "solved" the dream and saved the day for all these people but then my alarm woke me up and it's 10 a.m. and the dream is still sitting in my brain...and you wonder why I'm in therapy?? LOL If you figure out the ending, let me know!!
So anyway, here's the dream...I apologize if it makes no sense at all...but then again, maybe I should pitch it...hmmm...
I am at this museum like place, where I go through a number of exhibits (like the cloth found from Henry VIII, etc). Then I fall down this tunnel and end up in a room surrounded by other people who also fell down this tunnel. We climb up a stupid wall of shelves holding movies (irony?) and I finally reach this latch and open it up to find a slat no bigger than a business card...this is how we're supposed to be rescued. So this guy next to me gives me his business card and I stick it in (ripping it in the process, so good luck reading THAT) and we all fell off the wall. We were now stuck in this room, only one room away from this insanely vicious massive cannibal dog (thank goodness I don't watch horror movies cause every time he "caught" one, I would turn away so I never saw ANYTHING...whew!
So we were completely trapped here. Then suddenly, this guy walked through with a baby and the dog left him alone. He came into the room and we were all like "how did you do that?" Apparently, the dog won't touch anyone holding a baby. We end up getting out this side entrance into this house and look outside where there are literally hundreds of tornados and crazy lightning happening...so we're basically sitting ducks. We managed to get into another house (raiding their house for food cause we were starving) and avoiding the tornados. Now we just have to figure out how to get through that room with the dog without being killed. We come across this woman with a baby and decide to plan an escape to use the baby to get each one of us out. Then, it turns out that this whole destruction and evil dog is a plot by none other than Morgan Freeman (dude, I'm sorry, in my dream, you are evil!). One by one, we get killed by this dog and are no closer to escaping and we are now being hunted by more dogs (they are breeding these cannibal dogs to hunt us) and we're moving from house to house, hiding and trying to find a way to get home.
In the meantime, this family living in South Central LA (and no, I've never been there but apparently, I know all about it) works to escape these killer tornados taking over LA. They have to make it to this bridge (Golden Gate-my brain is apparently geographically confused too!) in this tiny little car.
I wish I could say that I "solved" the dream and saved the day for all these people but then my alarm woke me up and it's 10 a.m. and the dream is still sitting in my brain...and you wonder why I'm in therapy?? LOL If you figure out the ending, let me know!!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
You know you're a Mommy of a toddler/baby when...
I realize that yes, I am a Mommy, but it's always funny when you take a step back and realize how your life has changed so much since having your first child...here are some examples:
* You open up your purse at work and out tumbles a red crayon and/or other things that you did NOT put in there...and you're NOT shocked;
* Your friend calls you and tells you that when your purses were side by side, your child put your stuff in her purse and now she has your gum, lipgloss and hair brush;
* You look in your backseat and wish you had a dog to clean up all the Goldfish, cookie and bits of food taking up permanent residence back there;
* You reach under your seat and find an old bottle under there...which you immediately have to throw out because the thought of cleaning it disgusts you;
* Your daughter is wearing the cutest little dress, with adorable little shoes, with perfect pigtails and you realize that you are in a tank top, shorts, flip flops, with a ponytail that hasn't been brushed yet and no makeup on...you pray for no "family" pictures;
* You now know all the words to their favourite movie/movies and sing the songs in your sleep, while driving to work, while washing dishes, while having...ok, never mind...
* When you go out with your hubby on a date and you get all dressed up, that's the ONLY time your kid says "Mommy pretty!";
* You get to work and wash your travel mug...as well as the bottle your child left in the car...;
* You haven't watched a movie with REAL people in a long time;
* You have favourite brands of kids' clothes and toys but have no clue what's currently in fashion (ie: I had never heard of Bench until April in Moncton with my sister or New Balance sneakers until I bought a pair)
* You open up your purse at work and out tumbles a red crayon and/or other things that you did NOT put in there...and you're NOT shocked;
* Your friend calls you and tells you that when your purses were side by side, your child put your stuff in her purse and now she has your gum, lipgloss and hair brush;
* You look in your backseat and wish you had a dog to clean up all the Goldfish, cookie and bits of food taking up permanent residence back there;
* You reach under your seat and find an old bottle under there...which you immediately have to throw out because the thought of cleaning it disgusts you;
* Your daughter is wearing the cutest little dress, with adorable little shoes, with perfect pigtails and you realize that you are in a tank top, shorts, flip flops, with a ponytail that hasn't been brushed yet and no makeup on...you pray for no "family" pictures;
* You now know all the words to their favourite movie/movies and sing the songs in your sleep, while driving to work, while washing dishes, while having...ok, never mind...
* When you go out with your hubby on a date and you get all dressed up, that's the ONLY time your kid says "Mommy pretty!";
* You get to work and wash your travel mug...as well as the bottle your child left in the car...;
* You haven't watched a movie with REAL people in a long time;
* You have favourite brands of kids' clothes and toys but have no clue what's currently in fashion (ie: I had never heard of Bench until April in Moncton with my sister or New Balance sneakers until I bought a pair)
Friday, August 5, 2011
Time for detox...
Well, tomorrow the vacation starts...and until I arrive there, I will be totally stressed and anxious...I have so much floating around in my head, it's a wonder I can even do anything! I just have to get through the rest of this day (come on, I want to GO!!), then I plan on having a nap (or I will be asleep tonight by 9) and then clean, laundry, pack and organize. I have so many things to think of. I just keep thinking, "must be nice to be Clayton"...he just grabs his bag, throws some clothes in it...no real thought process and leaves". Me? I have to make my million lists, go room by room and grab everything I need, clean, organize, do laundry, clean out garbage cans, clean out fridge, pack stuff for me, for the bathroom, the kitchen, food, towels, bedding, Abby's stuff (she'll be with us from Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon) and Owen's stuff to go to my parents. I only relax once I'm there and unpacked...man, I cannot WAIT!
So, here's the schedule: Clayton and I arrive Saturday, sans Abby for a few days of alone time (otherwise known as pre baby time), then my parents are bringing her up with them for the day for beach (weather permitting) and such and then they leave and Clayton and I have her for the night. Then, Clayton and Abby leave Wednesday and my best friend Niki shows up Wednesday later on. Then, until Saturday, it's me and my BFF having kid free and spouse free time. Beach, sun, sand, shopping (sssh..don't tell...) and sleep...yes, naps are definitely on the agenda! A week of no worrying, reading (what the heck is THAT?), vegging, watching movies, playing games (does King's work with only 2 people? Oh and how the hell do you play Crazy 8's again?)...just get me through the next 24 hours please!!?
So, here's the schedule: Clayton and I arrive Saturday, sans Abby for a few days of alone time (otherwise known as pre baby time), then my parents are bringing her up with them for the day for beach (weather permitting) and such and then they leave and Clayton and I have her for the night. Then, Clayton and Abby leave Wednesday and my best friend Niki shows up Wednesday later on. Then, until Saturday, it's me and my BFF having kid free and spouse free time. Beach, sun, sand, shopping (sssh..don't tell...) and sleep...yes, naps are definitely on the agenda! A week of no worrying, reading (what the heck is THAT?), vegging, watching movies, playing games (does King's work with only 2 people? Oh and how the hell do you play Crazy 8's again?)...just get me through the next 24 hours please!!?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sudoku...the eternal puzzler for my brain
So for the last several months, I have been addicted to Sudoku. I had never tried it but always saw it in the newspapers and wanted to try it. One time I did, but screwed it up so badly that I just tossed it. But finally, I got one, and ok, it took me a week (working on it at my lunchtime and time breaks) but I did it...then I was hooked. In the last couple weeks, I have been hoarding a few and working on them...they are full of scribbles and numbers everywhere. For someone who is distinctly more of a word geek than a numbers geek, this is a huge accomplishment. My husband will tell you (once he finishes laughing) how bad I am at math. I dread the day that Abby comes to me for math help...she's screwed! Luckily, where I fail, Clayton succeeds. And where he fails (spelling and writing), I kick butt. As long as we can hack it out together, we're perfect. But back to Sudoku, I am obsessed with finishing these little scraps of newsprint. I carry them with me everywhere. I stare at them until my eyes are almost closed. They frustrate me to no end (especially the expert ones) but I refuse to get rid of them. I'm determined to finish them. Finally, yesterday, I finished one and today I finished another one during my lunch. Does that make me feel better? Nope, cause now I'm eager to get back to the other ones and kick their butts too. I'm almost tempted to take pictures and post them...but nah...I gotta finish them though. Oh and I have a book of Sudoku puzzles and not one, but TWO IPad Sudoku apps...yep, I'm hooked...now, where did I put my pencil, pen and puzzle???
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I may be getting better at this working out
So before my drunken debauchery Saturday night, I went to the gym and did a Stretch and Tone class. I was nervous after that last "Body Blast" class left me in agony for the rest of the week...I know I know...wah wah wah...but when you have to go up a long flight of stairs at least two to three times a day, chase after and pick up a heavy 25+ toddler, being in pain WHILE doing this is not what I want. I mean, I want to tone and stop the jiggles (not to be confused with my giggles!), but I still need to be a mom and keep my job! Anyway, I decided to hit up this Saturday morning class. Surprisingly, I like working out Saturday mornings (as long as I don't have to get up too early). It's a great way to start the day without being too much to handle and then the rest of the day is open. Again, I reached out to my posse of interested friends to see who would nibble on the bait to keep me company and with a little convincing and an hour of free babysitting by my hubby, Kelly agreed to come and work out. Luckily, her little one, Becker, is pretty much like Abby in that he's really easy to hang out with and take care of. And he and Abby adore each other! So I didn't have to twist Clayton's TOO badly. We got to the class and immediately gathered our supplies. Wow, there was a lot. The half ball (flat on bottom, round on top...kind of like a boob!), the long stretchy band thingy, the mat, the squishy ring...I only knew the mat, so this would be fun. The class was great. We stretched, we toned and the exercises weren't killing me. The half ball thing was weird though...I'm sure it's good but me trying to balance on a round object? Yeah, I weebled, I wobbled and occasionally waved like a madman. Did I fall? I know you're all thinking it. And I will answer that with a resounding...hey look over there, it's Brad Pitt naked riding a motorcycle!! OMG, did you SEE that? Wow...so anyway, the class was fun!
However, I nearly killed myself laughing when, while down on the mat doing leg lifts, I could read the half ball thing and it said "Make sure you have ample room around you in case you fall." Gee, did the person who created this thing meet me first?
After the Body Blast class, I could have fallen asleep standing up. It killed me, backed up, ran me over and then jumped up and down on top of me. This class? It energized me. I felt great. I felt motivated...and no I didn't take a nap...right away...
Both Kelly and I felt good and can't wait to do the class again this Saturday morning. Clayton is good to watch Becker and Abby for an hour, we get to get in a great exercise and feel fabulous after! And the great thing about this class? I was sore after but not god awfully so. But I definitely felt like I was working hard at the class, just not ripping my limbs off my body. I might even do that Body Blast class again...maybe next month...
However, I nearly killed myself laughing when, while down on the mat doing leg lifts, I could read the half ball thing and it said "Make sure you have ample room around you in case you fall." Gee, did the person who created this thing meet me first?
After the Body Blast class, I could have fallen asleep standing up. It killed me, backed up, ran me over and then jumped up and down on top of me. This class? It energized me. I felt great. I felt motivated...and no I didn't take a nap...right away...
Both Kelly and I felt good and can't wait to do the class again this Saturday morning. Clayton is good to watch Becker and Abby for an hour, we get to get in a great exercise and feel fabulous after! And the great thing about this class? I was sore after but not god awfully so. But I definitely felt like I was working hard at the class, just not ripping my limbs off my body. I might even do that Body Blast class again...maybe next month...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Had a breakdown last night
After my drunken debauchery post, I was remembering what I did last night and it was a whole other set of emotions. We were watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition the season finale (which was for Mother's Day) and yes, I know the show can be pretty mushy but I'm a tough cookie (ok, who am I kidding? But I can usually hold it together past a few misty eyed moments). But this episode was about a volleyball coach who took in one of her players and her two sisters because both of their parents died from drug overdoses. They had cameras recording people thanking their moms and this one came on and said that ever since she became a step mom, she knew what it was like to let a child that wasn't born of you into your heart. Then she said "It doesn't matter if they were born yours or not, they will always be your child." I totally caved. Right from the get go, I gave my heart to Bella and loved her and what that woman said was absolutely the truth. She is my child. Whether she was born my child or not, I have been a parent to her. I jumped in with everything I had. Bella may have rejected me but I will NEVER stop loving her and she will always be my child...I never meant to lose it over a simple sentence, but thankfully Clayton came over and held me. It's hard for both of us, but definitely harder when something brings up the emotion so hard. Despite what people say about time healing the broken heart...I feel like time is only making the ache worse...but I will continue to love her no matter how long she is gone...
Ain't going home till I shake my tailfeather...and dance on the bar...
Well, the plan was originally to hit up Dirty Dogs bar in Hamilton and ride the mechanical bull, dance on the bar and get hit on. We pre-drank...mostly cause we're all broke and trying to maximize our party experience (cause we don't do it often...the last time I got out to dance/drink, was March). We trooped to Dirty Dogs and not only was the mechanical bull out of commission (aw man!), but it was dead in there...I mean DEAD! Like when we left, it was the bartenders and the bouncer...yeah, and it was 12 a.m. I think the mechanical bull killed the party mood for sure.
But before we called it quits there, we did get up on the bar and shook our asses. I personally loved that they had a bar above your head firmly in place to hold onto (for dear life, cause I am SUCH a klutz!) and to allow you the freedom to shake your ass without ending up as a front row pancake. And yes, the super klutz wore flats! And jeans! Then we hit the pole...well, not HIT it...but we wrapped ourselves around it and made asses out of ourselves. Yep, kind of glad we were the only crew there...and no one took video...but after trying to liven up the joint, Danee (the birthday girl and the reason we were out partying in the first place) decided we needed to try out Liquid Kitty (and I swear I'm not making that name up...the upstairs bar is called Tailgate Charlie's but the downstairs bar is Liquid Kitty...yeah, I don't know...) but immediately, it was way better. Good live band music (playing everything from Lady Gaga to Black Eyed Peas to well, something else...I was a little intoxicated) and then during breaks, pumping dance music to shake our asses too. I found out that yes, apparently I AM a cougar...but I was assured by a random cute guy that I was a hot cougar...so that felt pretty damn good...until I went inside and my husband was not only dancing but grinding with all my friends...while their boyfriend/hubby were right there...yep, he was just a wee bit intoxicated himself! But it was all good. We drank, danced, drank, danced and had a riot...but I still have a date with that mechanical bull. I'm getting old and if I'm going to get tossed by a bull, it's not going to be after 40...so Dirty Dogs, I WILL be back...plus the bouncer was pretty cute...hmmm...maybe leave the hubby at home...tee hee...I'll be good...maybe...maybe I should leave the camera at home too...hmmm....
But before we called it quits there, we did get up on the bar and shook our asses. I personally loved that they had a bar above your head firmly in place to hold onto (for dear life, cause I am SUCH a klutz!) and to allow you the freedom to shake your ass without ending up as a front row pancake. And yes, the super klutz wore flats! And jeans! Then we hit the pole...well, not HIT it...but we wrapped ourselves around it and made asses out of ourselves. Yep, kind of glad we were the only crew there...and no one took video...but after trying to liven up the joint, Danee (the birthday girl and the reason we were out partying in the first place) decided we needed to try out Liquid Kitty (and I swear I'm not making that name up...the upstairs bar is called Tailgate Charlie's but the downstairs bar is Liquid Kitty...yeah, I don't know...) but immediately, it was way better. Good live band music (playing everything from Lady Gaga to Black Eyed Peas to well, something else...I was a little intoxicated) and then during breaks, pumping dance music to shake our asses too. I found out that yes, apparently I AM a cougar...but I was assured by a random cute guy that I was a hot cougar...so that felt pretty damn good...until I went inside and my husband was not only dancing but grinding with all my friends...while their boyfriend/hubby were right there...yep, he was just a wee bit intoxicated himself! But it was all good. We drank, danced, drank, danced and had a riot...but I still have a date with that mechanical bull. I'm getting old and if I'm going to get tossed by a bull, it's not going to be after 40...so Dirty Dogs, I WILL be back...plus the bouncer was pretty cute...hmmm...maybe leave the hubby at home...tee hee...I'll be good...maybe...maybe I should leave the camera at home too...hmmm....
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Unearthing the junk
Since my therapy session on Monday, I've been feeling happy that I'm finally doing something about my issues. But the one thing that hovers in my thoughts is the situation with Bella. For those of you that don't know, (and sorry if you do...you're getting it again) here's the back story. I met Clayton in 2000. When I met him, I didn't know he had a child but he soon told me that he and his ex had a baby together but that he found out it wasn't his. I said ok and understood why he left her and the baby. In 2001, after we went to NB for the first time together, he told me that he was scared to tell me the truth because he thought I'd leave him and fessed up that the baby WAS his but that because he was so young and the relationship with his ex was so toxic, his parents took him out of the situation and he hadn't seen his daughter since (at the time, she would have been 3). I forgave him and he told me that he had been thinking about her and wanting to be back in her life now that he was older and finished school and had a job but he was unsure of whether he should or not. I told him that I would fully support him and be as little or as much involved as he wanted me to. But that I would only support him if he stayed in her life, no going in and going out. This was due to the fact that even though my dad was there in my life growing up, he was never THERE. He showed up for special occasions and the occasional visit but we never saw him regularly. He was too busy working and I couldn't be with someone who did the same. He said he understood and then began the process with his lawyer to get back in touch with his ex. It took a while to track her down and make the initial conversations but his ex agreed to allow him back in her life and he would start paying her child support. Then the visits started. It began with a short visit at the mall with his ex and Bella (who by now was 4 1/2) and didn't include me (which was completely fine). Then, we were cleared for a visit with both of us. I was ok with waiting until their relationship was further along but he insisted. Since we were still living with our parents at the time, it meant being at my parent's place. I got to meet her for the first time and immediately fell in love with her sweetness and adorable nature. She warmed up to me instantly (plus it helps that I have a way with kids) but it took a while to get the relationship going between her and Clayton. She eventually had sleepovers and finally moved up to visits every other weekend and a Thursday night visit. I became her surrogate mom away from home. I gave her time and space to be with her dad and did everything I could to nurture that relationship and helping Clayton to be a better dad, while also building my own relationship with her. I talked to her mom to make sure I was following along with what she wanted and always was careful to not step on her or Clayton's toes and help them. I bought her bedding, clothes, toys and welcomed her in my life with open arms. I never looked back on my carefree non-child life. If she was sick, I comforted her. We read stories, went shopping, danced, had lemonade stands, singed, watched movies, played dress up, went ice skating, went hiking, went sledding. When we were going to New Brunswick for two weeks, she came with us. Vacation time was no longer what Clayton and I would do but what we would do with Bella. Camping, swimming, day trips, hanging out, etc. There was NOTHING I wouldn't have done for her.
But in the past couple of years, things started changing. First, her mom got pregnant (she had been with the same guy for almost as long as Clayton and I had been together). She was excited about the new sibling but fearful because she was losing her only child and centre of attention status. It was an adjustment but we all pulled together and helped her to prepare for being a big sister and she was great at it. I took pride in the fact that all four of us were raising this little girl together (me, Clayton, her mom and her mom's live-in boyfriend). Then, Clayton and I got married around the same time. She was very happy with me being her "official" step mom and I made sure she was part of the ceremony and let her know that I was marrying Daddy and her because I was officially becoming part of THEIR family. She was a junior bridesmaid, shared a special dance with Clayton, was present at the bridal shower (we made sure we held it on a weekend we had her) and even signed the register (she declined being part of the ceremony though cause she was too nervous to have everyone looking at her). Everything felt good. Then, her mom decided to get married. We also were pregnant with Abby at the time and though Bella said she was happy to finally have a sister, we knew it would be a big adjustment because it meant the dynamic when she visited would be different and talked to her about it and how we would do whatever we could to help her deal with it. She seemed fine with that. But truthfully, she seemed to always be more excited about news dealing with her mom than ours. When we were getting married, she was more excited about her new baby brother coming. When I was pregnant, she was more excited about her mom's wedding. And for the record, we did NOT plan to do these at the same time as their events, it just happened that way!
Then, Bella wanted to change her last name. All this time, she had gone by both her Mom's and Clayton's last name, but now she wanted to drop both and just go simply by her new stepfather's name (which would also be her mom's name and her brother's). We fought it because we didn't agree that she should be allowed to change her name until she was 18, but her mom fought us back, telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and that we should respect her decision and SHE supported her. It was us against them and it was tearing Clayton and I up. We fought it for as long as we could but his ex kept telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and not ours. He hated doing it but feared of losing his connection with Bella and finally agreed to signing the papers to allow her to change her name. With her mom not supporting us, what could we do? We thought things would get back to normal after that, however it just seemed to keep getting worse between us and Bella and her mom. Suddenly, we started getting calls that Bella was unhappy with something we had said over the weekend. We talked about everything and hashed stuff out but it didn't stop it from happening again. We became terrified of every weekend we had her and saying anything to her, for fear that it would come back in a negative way after the weekend was over (Bella would never say anything while she was with us). I tried to avoid saying anything to her that could be misconstrued. I was told by her mom to stay out of conversations with Bella because she feared I would "be mean to her", which I would never do so it hurt me that she felt like that about me. But I stayed out of it for her sake.
Then, Abby was born. It started off good. Bella insisted that we come get her immediately when Abby was born. She wanted to help choose a name. She picked out a present for her. However, we weren't allowed to pick her up when Abby was born. We wanted to, but we were told it wasn't a good time. We just figured we'd have her soon and it wouldn't matter. The first time we had Bella after Abby was born, she hovered over Abby's crib, waiting for her to wake up so she could hold her. She even dressed her in her Cabbage Patch Doll dresses (yep, Abby was that tiny!) But even though everyone was excited about Abby, everyone in both our families still made sure to give Bella extra attention, including us. We took her to the movies, we went shopping (without Abby), we watched movies after Abby went to bed, she had sleepovers with friends...but despite all this, we still got calls and Bella still had issues with something that had happened or was said. Last summer, after us having her for a whole week, we got the phone call with her mom angry that I had told Bella to call me mom and that we and my family were treating her like a little kid. I was stunned because I would NEVER ask Bella to call me mom and we did everything to give Bella independence but still, she was only 12. She stayed up later when she stayed with us because it was the weekends, she had a computer (mine but she could use it) in her room, a TV (again, not bought for her but in her room for her to watch movies and TV) and had many clothes in the closet she had bought for herself with money she had earned by doing chores or from birthday or other holidays. She had independence when she was with us. I didn't ask her often to watch Abby (only if Clayton was out and I needed to shower) and never thrust Abby on her...especially since her mom was pregnant again, so in addition to the brother she already had, her mom also operated a day care in her home, so Bella was ALWAYS surrounded by kids. I aimed to give her a break from those responsibilities on our weekends with her. She could sleep in, go read in her room (which had been decorated with her choices) or do whatever. So we were baffled. This had come out of nowhere and the whole time Bella was with us, she was fine. She never said anything that could have tipped us off. So where was this coming from?
I told her mom that I never told Bella that but she insisted and told us that we were lying and she believed Bella. She then told me to back off and to deal with my husband and she'd deal with HER daughter. I was shut out. Clayton was torn between anger at her mom for seemingly manipulating his daughter into feeling this way about us and not even trying to see our side of it and being scared he would lose his daughter. We thought if we played nice and did what she asked, she would help Bella get through this and we'd be together soon and everything would be fine.
She suggested Bella not visiting us for a little while while Bella did therapy. We were fine with this because we were told it would only be a little while. But seeing as this happening two weeks before Abby's first birthday, I suspected more. Where did this come from? Was it Bella manipulating all of us? Was it her mom playing the cards for many years, seeping poisoned thoughts into Bella's head without anyone noticing and it finally worked? Was it us not doing enough or doing too much? Was it me being too involved when I should have stood back? I was tormented by thoughts...it wrecked me. Every time I tried to talk to Clayton, he would just get more and more upset and said he didn't want to talk about it over and over again when it was clear that nothing he did was working or could change the situation.
I suggested that he go up to Guelph (where she lives) to visit her and I would stay behind with Abby. Heck I told him that if I were the problem, I'd go to my parent's house for the weekend and Bella could just see him and Abby or I could take Abby with me. Whatever it took. But no...she didn't want that. She wanted a break.
Clayton kept reaching out, calling and emailing Bella but never heard anything back. He was told (by his ex in emails cause she wouldn't call him back) that Bella wouldn't read the emails and deleted them and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. He was angry, frustrated and tired of dealing with it. But he has kept all emails he's sent so if, for any reason, Bella comes to him and says he gave up on her, he can prove that he never stopped trying.
It's almost been a year now since we've seen her and nothing has changed. Not only has she cut us off, but also all my family and all of Clayton's family...and even her own family (her mom's dad was a friend of Clayton's dad and even they don't see Bella anymore and have no idea what is happening). Like we never existed. Like we haven't been there for the last 8 years. I see pictures of her, the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, the "I love you's" and it's like my dad all over again. My therapist says that the incomplete, broken way things ended with Bella have ripped open those old wounds from growing up with an absent dad...another rejection...another loss...and no way to fix it. It aches...it burns...and I can't for the life of me understand why it happened. How do you take a happy, sweet little girl and turn her into a manipulative miserable pre-teen who hates her own family who have always been there and loved her? I was raised that if you are mad at someone, you talk to them. You deal with it. Bella is obviously not being raised the same way. Instead, if it's hard, just leave. Just don't try. Give up. So how do we deal when it's clearly wrecking us, our relationship with each other and our memories of Bella in our lives? We cling to Abby like a buoy. We kiss her endlessly, share our joy over every "love ew" and "mama", "daddy" "aw man" and kisses and hugs Abby gives out regularly. I grieve that Bella isn't here, isn't seeing Abby. Abby used to light up when Bella was there...god, she loved her so much. All we can do is wait...it feels like it's been years not seeing her. With every occasion (pumpkin carving, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Father's Day, Bella's birthday), it's like the wound opens again as we try to get through and NOT think about her. As Abby becomes more and more verbal and intuitive about her world, I only pray that Bella comes back and everything can be fixed. And I will never allow Abby to do anything like this to her family. It's not just about Bella...it's about all of us. She hurt us more than she knows and how can we ever fix this?
But in the past couple of years, things started changing. First, her mom got pregnant (she had been with the same guy for almost as long as Clayton and I had been together). She was excited about the new sibling but fearful because she was losing her only child and centre of attention status. It was an adjustment but we all pulled together and helped her to prepare for being a big sister and she was great at it. I took pride in the fact that all four of us were raising this little girl together (me, Clayton, her mom and her mom's live-in boyfriend). Then, Clayton and I got married around the same time. She was very happy with me being her "official" step mom and I made sure she was part of the ceremony and let her know that I was marrying Daddy and her because I was officially becoming part of THEIR family. She was a junior bridesmaid, shared a special dance with Clayton, was present at the bridal shower (we made sure we held it on a weekend we had her) and even signed the register (she declined being part of the ceremony though cause she was too nervous to have everyone looking at her). Everything felt good. Then, her mom decided to get married. We also were pregnant with Abby at the time and though Bella said she was happy to finally have a sister, we knew it would be a big adjustment because it meant the dynamic when she visited would be different and talked to her about it and how we would do whatever we could to help her deal with it. She seemed fine with that. But truthfully, she seemed to always be more excited about news dealing with her mom than ours. When we were getting married, she was more excited about her new baby brother coming. When I was pregnant, she was more excited about her mom's wedding. And for the record, we did NOT plan to do these at the same time as their events, it just happened that way!
Then, Bella wanted to change her last name. All this time, she had gone by both her Mom's and Clayton's last name, but now she wanted to drop both and just go simply by her new stepfather's name (which would also be her mom's name and her brother's). We fought it because we didn't agree that she should be allowed to change her name until she was 18, but her mom fought us back, telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and that we should respect her decision and SHE supported her. It was us against them and it was tearing Clayton and I up. We fought it for as long as we could but his ex kept telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and not ours. He hated doing it but feared of losing his connection with Bella and finally agreed to signing the papers to allow her to change her name. With her mom not supporting us, what could we do? We thought things would get back to normal after that, however it just seemed to keep getting worse between us and Bella and her mom. Suddenly, we started getting calls that Bella was unhappy with something we had said over the weekend. We talked about everything and hashed stuff out but it didn't stop it from happening again. We became terrified of every weekend we had her and saying anything to her, for fear that it would come back in a negative way after the weekend was over (Bella would never say anything while she was with us). I tried to avoid saying anything to her that could be misconstrued. I was told by her mom to stay out of conversations with Bella because she feared I would "be mean to her", which I would never do so it hurt me that she felt like that about me. But I stayed out of it for her sake.
Then, Abby was born. It started off good. Bella insisted that we come get her immediately when Abby was born. She wanted to help choose a name. She picked out a present for her. However, we weren't allowed to pick her up when Abby was born. We wanted to, but we were told it wasn't a good time. We just figured we'd have her soon and it wouldn't matter. The first time we had Bella after Abby was born, she hovered over Abby's crib, waiting for her to wake up so she could hold her. She even dressed her in her Cabbage Patch Doll dresses (yep, Abby was that tiny!) But even though everyone was excited about Abby, everyone in both our families still made sure to give Bella extra attention, including us. We took her to the movies, we went shopping (without Abby), we watched movies after Abby went to bed, she had sleepovers with friends...but despite all this, we still got calls and Bella still had issues with something that had happened or was said. Last summer, after us having her for a whole week, we got the phone call with her mom angry that I had told Bella to call me mom and that we and my family were treating her like a little kid. I was stunned because I would NEVER ask Bella to call me mom and we did everything to give Bella independence but still, she was only 12. She stayed up later when she stayed with us because it was the weekends, she had a computer (mine but she could use it) in her room, a TV (again, not bought for her but in her room for her to watch movies and TV) and had many clothes in the closet she had bought for herself with money she had earned by doing chores or from birthday or other holidays. She had independence when she was with us. I didn't ask her often to watch Abby (only if Clayton was out and I needed to shower) and never thrust Abby on her...especially since her mom was pregnant again, so in addition to the brother she already had, her mom also operated a day care in her home, so Bella was ALWAYS surrounded by kids. I aimed to give her a break from those responsibilities on our weekends with her. She could sleep in, go read in her room (which had been decorated with her choices) or do whatever. So we were baffled. This had come out of nowhere and the whole time Bella was with us, she was fine. She never said anything that could have tipped us off. So where was this coming from?
I told her mom that I never told Bella that but she insisted and told us that we were lying and she believed Bella. She then told me to back off and to deal with my husband and she'd deal with HER daughter. I was shut out. Clayton was torn between anger at her mom for seemingly manipulating his daughter into feeling this way about us and not even trying to see our side of it and being scared he would lose his daughter. We thought if we played nice and did what she asked, she would help Bella get through this and we'd be together soon and everything would be fine.
She suggested Bella not visiting us for a little while while Bella did therapy. We were fine with this because we were told it would only be a little while. But seeing as this happening two weeks before Abby's first birthday, I suspected more. Where did this come from? Was it Bella manipulating all of us? Was it her mom playing the cards for many years, seeping poisoned thoughts into Bella's head without anyone noticing and it finally worked? Was it us not doing enough or doing too much? Was it me being too involved when I should have stood back? I was tormented by thoughts...it wrecked me. Every time I tried to talk to Clayton, he would just get more and more upset and said he didn't want to talk about it over and over again when it was clear that nothing he did was working or could change the situation.
I suggested that he go up to Guelph (where she lives) to visit her and I would stay behind with Abby. Heck I told him that if I were the problem, I'd go to my parent's house for the weekend and Bella could just see him and Abby or I could take Abby with me. Whatever it took. But no...she didn't want that. She wanted a break.
Clayton kept reaching out, calling and emailing Bella but never heard anything back. He was told (by his ex in emails cause she wouldn't call him back) that Bella wouldn't read the emails and deleted them and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. He was angry, frustrated and tired of dealing with it. But he has kept all emails he's sent so if, for any reason, Bella comes to him and says he gave up on her, he can prove that he never stopped trying.
It's almost been a year now since we've seen her and nothing has changed. Not only has she cut us off, but also all my family and all of Clayton's family...and even her own family (her mom's dad was a friend of Clayton's dad and even they don't see Bella anymore and have no idea what is happening). Like we never existed. Like we haven't been there for the last 8 years. I see pictures of her, the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, the "I love you's" and it's like my dad all over again. My therapist says that the incomplete, broken way things ended with Bella have ripped open those old wounds from growing up with an absent dad...another rejection...another loss...and no way to fix it. It aches...it burns...and I can't for the life of me understand why it happened. How do you take a happy, sweet little girl and turn her into a manipulative miserable pre-teen who hates her own family who have always been there and loved her? I was raised that if you are mad at someone, you talk to them. You deal with it. Bella is obviously not being raised the same way. Instead, if it's hard, just leave. Just don't try. Give up. So how do we deal when it's clearly wrecking us, our relationship with each other and our memories of Bella in our lives? We cling to Abby like a buoy. We kiss her endlessly, share our joy over every "love ew" and "mama", "daddy" "aw man" and kisses and hugs Abby gives out regularly. I grieve that Bella isn't here, isn't seeing Abby. Abby used to light up when Bella was there...god, she loved her so much. All we can do is wait...it feels like it's been years not seeing her. With every occasion (pumpkin carving, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Father's Day, Bella's birthday), it's like the wound opens again as we try to get through and NOT think about her. As Abby becomes more and more verbal and intuitive about her world, I only pray that Bella comes back and everything can be fixed. And I will never allow Abby to do anything like this to her family. It's not just about Bella...it's about all of us. She hurt us more than she knows and how can we ever fix this?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Is therapy therapeutic?
So I did my first session of therapy last night...yes, I'm admitting I'm all messed up in the brain...deal with it...since the going back to work and abandoning my child (I know I'm really not, but you know how it feels like) and the loss of Bella in our lives happening at the same time, it's triggered an emotional "crumbling"...if you will...so needless to say, I've been off my game for quite a while.
Anyway, after seeing my doctor and her suggesting I try therapy, I went to my first session last night. First off, I was nervous...I kept thinking "What if I open something that won't go back in? What if this fucks up my life MORE? Or ruins my marriage? Or reduces me to a slippery puddle of emotional goo that can't function in normal society anymore?" I walked into the office and waited until I saw "THE THERAPIST." I had no clue what she would look like or even be like. What if I said "Hi!" and she says "Wow, you're messed up!" I met her (short, warm friendly face, short hair, kind of looked like an aunt would) and we sat in her office. I had the option of a chair or "the couch." Not gonna lie, the couch scared me. I thought "Do I have to lay down on it?" "Why do people want to lay down and talk?" I overthink clearly too much! But since the chair had too much direct sunlight, I chose comfy couch over wearing sunglasses for my appointment. First off, I looked at her waiting for her to make the first move...what the hell do I say? Do I go chronologically? By most recent? Do I just spin a wheel and pick a time? Luckily, she understands that not everyone knows why or what they are doing and she asked me questions. And since we all know I'm a chatterbox (shut up...no comments people!), I was able to talk...I was all over the place...I even managed to put in my own theories on what I had (damn reporter in me has to investigate and figure stuff out). I'm not going into details...I'm really not that exciting, let's face it, but overall, I was crazy agitated after. I was trying to calm myself down when she said "It's normal to be all worked up and agitated after talking. So go home and do some exercise, vacuum or just cuddle with your daughter and let it out." I was relieved to hear that it was ok to be all jumbled up. I drove home (taking the scenic back route...I kind of miss that drive from Beamsville to Grimsby) and came home to a enthusiastic toddler, a wonderful husband and an lovey dovey cat. I know I'm not a lost cause and I have so much to be grateful for. I hope this therapy helps me to learn how to cope and appreciate the stuff I have better. And for the record, my bathtub is all sparkling clean...
Anyway, after seeing my doctor and her suggesting I try therapy, I went to my first session last night. First off, I was nervous...I kept thinking "What if I open something that won't go back in? What if this fucks up my life MORE? Or ruins my marriage? Or reduces me to a slippery puddle of emotional goo that can't function in normal society anymore?" I walked into the office and waited until I saw "THE THERAPIST." I had no clue what she would look like or even be like. What if I said "Hi!" and she says "Wow, you're messed up!" I met her (short, warm friendly face, short hair, kind of looked like an aunt would) and we sat in her office. I had the option of a chair or "the couch." Not gonna lie, the couch scared me. I thought "Do I have to lay down on it?" "Why do people want to lay down and talk?" I overthink clearly too much! But since the chair had too much direct sunlight, I chose comfy couch over wearing sunglasses for my appointment. First off, I looked at her waiting for her to make the first move...what the hell do I say? Do I go chronologically? By most recent? Do I just spin a wheel and pick a time? Luckily, she understands that not everyone knows why or what they are doing and she asked me questions. And since we all know I'm a chatterbox (shut up...no comments people!), I was able to talk...I was all over the place...I even managed to put in my own theories on what I had (damn reporter in me has to investigate and figure stuff out). I'm not going into details...I'm really not that exciting, let's face it, but overall, I was crazy agitated after. I was trying to calm myself down when she said "It's normal to be all worked up and agitated after talking. So go home and do some exercise, vacuum or just cuddle with your daughter and let it out." I was relieved to hear that it was ok to be all jumbled up. I drove home (taking the scenic back route...I kind of miss that drive from Beamsville to Grimsby) and came home to a enthusiastic toddler, a wonderful husband and an lovey dovey cat. I know I'm not a lost cause and I have so much to be grateful for. I hope this therapy helps me to learn how to cope and appreciate the stuff I have better. And for the record, my bathtub is all sparkling clean...
Friday, July 8, 2011
A downslide...
Well, I knew it would be hard and I know I'm not giving up...but after a kick ass Tuesday class, Wednesday and Thursday were pretty much useless. I did squat...no, I mean nothing. Wednesday, I had a work barbecue and by the time we got home, got Abby to bed, I was ready to go to bed myself. Thursday, I was all set to kill myself (and by then, my muscles, which were only aching on Wednesday, were now in agony pain!) at another class that night. But then, it wasn't going to work out for my friend because she had no one to watch her kid, so we decided to take the kids down to the lake and walk. Exercise and kid time, bonus! But then her son had a major bad episode and that idea went down the crapshoot. By now, all my motivation was gone...I mentioned that I needed a workout partner to keep me going! I managed to talk my husband into coming with me to the downtown farmer's market and a store I needed to return shorts for Abby anyway. Except that when we got there, the market was shutting down. So we went into the store, I was looking for replacements for the shorts and Abby was driving my husband (who had a migraine) nuts by running around. So, the joy of getting out was short lived. My night was done. Am I frustrated with myself? Probably but I was too sore to care last night. And tonight, Friday night...I'm wondering how I can do anything. I was hoping to do a class tomorrow but without my husband able to watch our daughter, I can't go. It's irritating but I'm not giving up. I have to make this work. I just haven't figured out all the ins and outs of it yet. And right now, working out isn't my only challenge. When I get down...really down...I don't recover well. I eat junk and throw myself into bed and we all know how good that makes you feel! But it's not making progress. But I will keep trying. Wish me luck...I'm hoping for another class this weekend and motivation to do something else.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Breathing through the pain...
I remember when I was pregnant and when we took prenatal classes and they told us to "breathe through the pain." I remember thinking..."Yeah right, once I have the drugs, I will do all the breathing you want...but WITHOUT the pain!" And laughing at all the others who seemed to think they could breathe through the pain...suckers! But after my first exercise class last night, I think I finally get it. It's not a matter of remembering to breathe WHILE in pain, it's to breathe to take your mind off the fact that your body is screaming at you! Huh...
So after deciding on my month long blitz of getting myself in body banging condition (please don't tell my husband I said that! He'll get so excited...LOL), I went online and found that our local community centre has classes that I can either "drop in" on or pay for a 10 class pack. I decided on the 10 pack because if I commit to paying that money, I have to use the classes...even if there is no expiry on them. 10 classes in a month, I can do that! After emailing and texting all my friends to come with me, I finally found a fellow comrade in self torture. Another mom who wanted to tighten, tone and knew she couldn't do it by sheer willpower alone. I know two things about myself: 1) I need a structured environment to work out (aka a class or instructor) because if given the choice, I'll choose chocolate and the couch and 2) I need someone to come with me because if someone else comes, I have to go or I have to explain to them why I couldn't and fear being called a wuss...yep, peer pressure and bullying apparently appeal to me...who knew?
We arrived at the "Body Blast" class with NO concept of what it entailed...I figured the instructor would "blast" us with exercise. I wasn't under any delusions...I came to play and play hard. The people looking for the "lay down and do squat" classes would have to go elsewhere! I had my running shoes (note: my sneakers suck...I need new better ones that will probably cost too much!), my workout gear (blech) and my bottle of water (next time, I'm bringing the cooler!)...plus my inhaler in case this activated my asthma (which is fittingly known as EXERCISE induced asthma!). She began the class...we had those step things, two dumbbells (no, we didn't bring our husbands...they were at home watching the kids) and a long weighted bar. We were ready...or so we thought. I remember looking over at Candice at one point and wondering how she was doing and then thinking it was funny cause she was all red in the face and sweating...then I caught a glance at myself in the mirror and realized I looked the exact same...damn...the instructor had no mercy. She yelled at us if we were ready and then would make us yell out "YES!" again because our first attempt was a wussy version of a "yes" that no one but ourself could hear.
We squatted, we lifted, we crunched, we pushed, we burned (oh man, did I burn!) and then finally, there was a god and the class was over. I was laying face down on the mat contemplating just staying there until I had to get up for work the next day, but having my friend on the other side of me encouraged me to drag my weary ass up and off the mat. As we walked out into the fading heat of the day, we both briefly considered running through the splash pad located directly across from us...but who were we kidding? We were MUCH too tired to do anything at this point. So we parted ways...each vowing to do it again...I got home just in time to put my munchkin to bed, who of course wanted me to pick her up...I looked down at her and laughed feebly. Once that was done, I ate supper and crashed. Today, oh man do I ache! But I'm determined to keep going. How, I don't know...but I'm picking up more victims as I go...people who are also looking to tone, tighten and beat their bodies into a better shape. As the get fit posse grows, I will continue my (very bumpy) path to body morphing...but tonight, I'm taking a night off cause I have a company barbecue and won't be home until bedtime...but Thursday, game on!
So after deciding on my month long blitz of getting myself in body banging condition (please don't tell my husband I said that! He'll get so excited...LOL), I went online and found that our local community centre has classes that I can either "drop in" on or pay for a 10 class pack. I decided on the 10 pack because if I commit to paying that money, I have to use the classes...even if there is no expiry on them. 10 classes in a month, I can do that! After emailing and texting all my friends to come with me, I finally found a fellow comrade in self torture. Another mom who wanted to tighten, tone and knew she couldn't do it by sheer willpower alone. I know two things about myself: 1) I need a structured environment to work out (aka a class or instructor) because if given the choice, I'll choose chocolate and the couch and 2) I need someone to come with me because if someone else comes, I have to go or I have to explain to them why I couldn't and fear being called a wuss...yep, peer pressure and bullying apparently appeal to me...who knew?
We arrived at the "Body Blast" class with NO concept of what it entailed...I figured the instructor would "blast" us with exercise. I wasn't under any delusions...I came to play and play hard. The people looking for the "lay down and do squat" classes would have to go elsewhere! I had my running shoes (note: my sneakers suck...I need new better ones that will probably cost too much!), my workout gear (blech) and my bottle of water (next time, I'm bringing the cooler!)...plus my inhaler in case this activated my asthma (which is fittingly known as EXERCISE induced asthma!). She began the class...we had those step things, two dumbbells (no, we didn't bring our husbands...they were at home watching the kids) and a long weighted bar. We were ready...or so we thought. I remember looking over at Candice at one point and wondering how she was doing and then thinking it was funny cause she was all red in the face and sweating...then I caught a glance at myself in the mirror and realized I looked the exact same...damn...the instructor had no mercy. She yelled at us if we were ready and then would make us yell out "YES!" again because our first attempt was a wussy version of a "yes" that no one but ourself could hear.
We squatted, we lifted, we crunched, we pushed, we burned (oh man, did I burn!) and then finally, there was a god and the class was over. I was laying face down on the mat contemplating just staying there until I had to get up for work the next day, but having my friend on the other side of me encouraged me to drag my weary ass up and off the mat. As we walked out into the fading heat of the day, we both briefly considered running through the splash pad located directly across from us...but who were we kidding? We were MUCH too tired to do anything at this point. So we parted ways...each vowing to do it again...I got home just in time to put my munchkin to bed, who of course wanted me to pick her up...I looked down at her and laughed feebly. Once that was done, I ate supper and crashed. Today, oh man do I ache! But I'm determined to keep going. How, I don't know...but I'm picking up more victims as I go...people who are also looking to tone, tighten and beat their bodies into a better shape. As the get fit posse grows, I will continue my (very bumpy) path to body morphing...but tonight, I'm taking a night off cause I have a company barbecue and won't be home until bedtime...but Thursday, game on!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Is about to go postal on my own butt!
Ok, I always say it but do nothing. I want to...but I'm tired. I think about it, but I chicken out. But now...right NOW...it's all done. The excuses? GONE! The laziness? Forget it! Starting today, I now have exactly ONE month to get myself in shape and I'm gonna do it.
Here's the plan: I am looking into my local gym and am signing up for the 10 pass of classes. That way, I have to use them! Then twice a week (two classes a week for two weeks and three classes for two weeks), I will hit the gym for evening 45 min classes, ranging from "body blasts" to "cardio kickbox" to "stretch & tone" to "boot camp" and one on Saturday morning (stretch and tone). Then, on the other days, I will be doing either exercises on my exercise ball, yoga, walks, etc. The motivation? The beach! In one month, I will be heading to the cottage for a whole week of fun and sun and beach...therefore, I want to feel good in my bathing suit and not like a frumpy, lumpy momma! So even though right now, I feel tired and want to gorge on chocolate...I'm going to either hit the "body blast" class tonight or do my exercise ball. I shall report in tomorrow on how that goes! You will be my witnesses cause I need to keep myself on track (since I am a master procrastinator and lazy bum). Wish me luck!!
Here's the plan: I am looking into my local gym and am signing up for the 10 pass of classes. That way, I have to use them! Then twice a week (two classes a week for two weeks and three classes for two weeks), I will hit the gym for evening 45 min classes, ranging from "body blasts" to "cardio kickbox" to "stretch & tone" to "boot camp" and one on Saturday morning (stretch and tone). Then, on the other days, I will be doing either exercises on my exercise ball, yoga, walks, etc. The motivation? The beach! In one month, I will be heading to the cottage for a whole week of fun and sun and beach...therefore, I want to feel good in my bathing suit and not like a frumpy, lumpy momma! So even though right now, I feel tired and want to gorge on chocolate...I'm going to either hit the "body blast" class tonight or do my exercise ball. I shall report in tomorrow on how that goes! You will be my witnesses cause I need to keep myself on track (since I am a master procrastinator and lazy bum). Wish me luck!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Fireworks and toddlers don't mix...or do they?
So since Abby's been born, we haven't gone to see fireworks...seems weird but we haven't. Usually the only fireworks we try to see/do is May 2-4 and Canada Day and last year, we were away for Canada Day and did nothing for fireworks...and May 2-4, ditto. Plus, Clayton usually buys his own and we set those off at a park near his parents but we just haven't done it since she's been born. So when I got the invite to go to dinner and fireworks at my grandmother's apartment, which is facing Lake Ontario and is pretty much the best view to see fireworks (and minus the crowded environment down by the water), I thought, "this might be the best way for Abby to view them since A)we can see them but stand inside if it's too noisy, B)we'll be there with all family that she knows and is comfortable with, C)she can run around and we don't have to worry about losing her in the crowd. So, done and done! We got there, had our pizza, Abby was already having a great time going out on the balcony, coming in, going out, coming in...you get the point! She kept saying hi to my aunt Pat (her great aunt) "Hi Pat!", my sister-in-law Kelly "Hi Kelly!", my brother Rick "Hi Rick!" and my grandmother (who she is going to call Gran because my mom is called Grammy by her) "Hi Dan!" Yep, she calls her Dan...G's are a little tough for her...she calls my mom "Dammy", my stepfather "Dampy" and my best friend Niki's boyfriend (Gary) "Dary"...yep, it's pretty cute. But way too funny when she's running around going "Hi Dan! Hi Dan!" So as it got later and later (and waaaay past her bedtime!), I wondered if she would even make it to the fireworks...but as all toddlers (or kids) seem to do, she got a second wind...which might have something to do with the fact that she was chasing Pat around the kitchen into the living room over and over again while giggling manically. As the fireworks neared, my trepidation increased. The vacuum terrifies her, Grampy's air compressor makes her run away, so what would these fireworks do? All I could do was wait. I was fully prepared to make a get away if it all went sour...then, they started. I picked her up in my arms and we, along with the rest of the family, started to watch the show. And it started...and she was very intently watching them...and then a BOOM! I furtively glanced at her...but she just had a finger in her mouth chewing on it and saying nothing...but she wasn't crying or squirming. I kept saying "Wow! So pretty!" Nothing. Clayton looked at her too. Then, "Wow!" came out of her...Yeah, victory! Clayton said she was just too tired to be really enthusiastic but I didn't think so. Then, "ooh, pretty!" When the finale was coming, Clayton said "Ok...big finale!" Abby goes "Big fin-ally?" And some more "wow" and "oohs" for the finale and then, it was all over. She did so awesome. She even got out of my arms for a bit and stood with Daddy. I think we did it perfectly. She got to experience fireworks but in a controlled environment where she could be far enough back to see and enjoy them without feeling like they were too intense. Whew! I was so happy cause I love fireworks and want to share them with her...we're off to a good start! We said our goodbyes after getting her into her jammies and within 2 minutes of being in the car, she was out cold, only waking long enough for us to get into our house, give her the bottle and out again for the night...and she only woke us up the next morning at 10...good times for all!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Bucket List
I was just reading someone's blog and I wonder why I don't have a bucket list...I know there are things I want to do...but I have never put it to writing...well, I have but that list is probably sitting in the depths of my piles of paper waiting to be sorted (I'm still waiting for the organizational fairy to come along and do it). So, I will start one and then add to it as I think of new stuff.
Peggy's Bucket List
Some of my bucket list
* Swim with dolphins
* To model either in a catalog or do a runway show
* Travel to Italy
* To take Abby to Disney World
* To get a tattoo
* To be a teacher (for either pre-school or kindergarten or primary grades)
* To get rid of my Celiac
* To raise Abby to be smart, kind, strong and brave
* To stay at an all-inclusive resort
* Go to Hawaii (Kauai)
* Become a published author (paid)
* Go rock climbing
* Do something that makes me feel proud of myself even if it is just for myself (whether it's photography, art, scrapbooks, decorating, etc)
Peggy's Bucket List
Some of my bucket list
* Swim with dolphins
* To model either in a catalog or do a runway show
* Travel to Italy
* To take Abby to Disney World
* To get a tattoo
* To be a teacher (for either pre-school or kindergarten or primary grades)
* To get rid of my Celiac
* To raise Abby to be smart, kind, strong and brave
* To stay at an all-inclusive resort
* Go to Hawaii (Kauai)
* Become a published author (paid)
* Go rock climbing
* Do something that makes me feel proud of myself even if it is just for myself (whether it's photography, art, scrapbooks, decorating, etc)
Lyrics that really nail me right now
Yes, I know this is going to seem depressing but this song really nails it on the head how I've been feeling, especially in the last year.
UNWELL BY MATCHBOX TWENTY
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
UNWELL BY MATCHBOX TWENTY
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Random Marriage Advice
It's amazing how the simplest things can make life so much easier. I definitely need to remember these things more often...maybe I should stick it up on the fridge??
Marriage Advice
Never assume.
Compliment more than you criticize.
For each time you vent about your husband/wife to your friends, tell three positive stories.
Remember that it is ok to do things differently (laundry, changing diapers, etc).
Always make time for the two of you.
Marry someone that you enjoy listening and talking to.
Remember that the best gift that you can give your children is to love their spouse.
Never go to bed angry. (Unless it's 3a.m. and you're exhausted, angry, and not thinking straight.)
Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that matters.
Before starting an argument, consider if it's really worth it.
Fight naked. ;)
Agree to disagree.
Never, ever mention the "D" word (divorce).
Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
Respect each other's privacy.
Remember that "love is like childhood. You need to learn to share."
Marriage is not 50/50, it's two people giving 100/100 all of the time.
Surprise each other now and then.
Have date night!
Never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you".
Hold hands.
Hug & kiss every day.
Always believe that you got better than you deserved.
Be quick to say "I'm sorry".
Choose the one you love, then love the one you choose.
Keep the in-laws out of your marriage!
Love isn't always a feeling, it's a decision.
Hang in there. It's worth it.
Play nice, play often, love much.
Never air your dirty laundry as a couple in public.
Never keep secrets from each other.
Be each other's champion. No matter what, take your husband or wife's side first!
Communication is the key!
Always respect each other.
Never underestimate the power of a good belly-laugh and don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
It's the little things that matter most.
Never use the words 'Always' and 'Never' in a fight.
It's ok to argue, but never use curse words to express your anger.
Never compare your marriage to others. What you see on the outside is not always what it is on the inside.
Don't make love in the same place/position everytime. Variety is the spice of life!
Marriage Advice
Never assume.
Compliment more than you criticize.
For each time you vent about your husband/wife to your friends, tell three positive stories.
Remember that it is ok to do things differently (laundry, changing diapers, etc).
Always make time for the two of you.
Marry someone that you enjoy listening and talking to.
Remember that the best gift that you can give your children is to love their spouse.
Never go to bed angry. (Unless it's 3a.m. and you're exhausted, angry, and not thinking straight.)
Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that matters.
Before starting an argument, consider if it's really worth it.
Fight naked. ;)
Agree to disagree.
Never, ever mention the "D" word (divorce).
Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
Respect each other's privacy.
Remember that "love is like childhood. You need to learn to share."
Marriage is not 50/50, it's two people giving 100/100 all of the time.
Surprise each other now and then.
Have date night!
Never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you".
Hold hands.
Hug & kiss every day.
Always believe that you got better than you deserved.
Be quick to say "I'm sorry".
Choose the one you love, then love the one you choose.
Keep the in-laws out of your marriage!
Love isn't always a feeling, it's a decision.
Hang in there. It's worth it.
Play nice, play often, love much.
Never air your dirty laundry as a couple in public.
Never keep secrets from each other.
Be each other's champion. No matter what, take your husband or wife's side first!
Communication is the key!
Always respect each other.
Never underestimate the power of a good belly-laugh and don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
It's the little things that matter most.
Never use the words 'Always' and 'Never' in a fight.
It's ok to argue, but never use curse words to express your anger.
Never compare your marriage to others. What you see on the outside is not always what it is on the inside.
Don't make love in the same place/position everytime. Variety is the spice of life!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Run away as fast as you can
So, I'm currently working on planning a getaway...well, two actually. It started with a random thought that my best friend, Niki, and I had never gone away anywhere together. Sure, we shopped, danced, ate, laughed our faces off but have never travelled anywhere together. So I thought it was WAAAYYY overdue...plus we've been friends for over 14 years and we ain't getting any younger! But where? I had considered a wild weekend in Vegas, but neither of us are gamblers and honestly, I don't think I can afford to do anything while we would be there and then, how much fun would that really be? A balmy beautiful island? Hmm...again, cost cost cost...and she was turning 40 this year but her birthday is in December and 5 days before Christmas so trying to do something major would be almost impossible. But something in the summer? Way easier...
Then I was driving home one day and "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley came on...talk about a perfect summer song. "And i can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun, you got your hair combed back, sunglasses on baby..." And I thought of all those lazy days at the beach growing up (I'm a beach baby from NB) and how the sun warms your skin, the smell of the fresh salty air and nothing to stress about. Bingo! We needed a beach...but landlocked in Ontario, REAL beaches (with SALT WATER) are non-existent...so I needed the next best thing. All the ambiance with fresh water. Here were the choices (that I knew of) Wasaga Beach and Sauble Beach. I had been to both and felt like Wasaga was more of a party beach/town...a la Jersey Shore and god knows I am NOT Snooki...though I AM pretty klutzy! Sauble was more lazy, family orientated, which truthfully is how we are now...lazy and family-like! So I asked Niki and we decided to look into renting a cottage up in Sauble...after much research, it was either spend a ton for something half-way decent or spend less and sleep in borderline ghetto place...hmmm...Then I thought of Crystal Beach. I always forget about that area because it's A) Lake Erie and B)Not in "official" cottage country. But it's just as warm and sunny, plenty of beach and would give us the same experience...maybe even for less. And, bonus? It's less than an hour away! BIG difference than Sauble (at least 2-3 hours through backroad country) or Wasaga (3-4 hours through major highways and everyone else in the frigging province going away!) so Crystal was looking better and better. Also, as I was planning our girls only weekend getaway, I thought "Man, my hubby and I could really use a romantic, us-only getaway too!" And our anniversary is in August too...so we could have a REAL anniversary (other than the traditional dinner and movie). So I thought maybe we could do two separate weekends and space them out. One problem...they don't take partial weeks in the summer months. Damn! So I thought what if I book the cottage, my hubby comes for part of the week and Niki comes for the other half? Unfortunately, I can take time off at the beginning of the month because of being in production the second half of the month, so I had to plan it ASAP. I get the best of both worlds and a total week of vegging and sun. The only downside is I'm away from my cute little angel for a whole week, but I even have a plan for that. My parents, who will watch her while my hubby is there with me, will also be celebrating their anniversary on the same date as us, so they will come down on the second last day my hubby is there to spend a day with us at the cottage/beach and then they will leave and my hubby and I keep Abby for the night and my hubby brings her home the following day, when Niki arrives later on. Ooh, now I just have to wait another month before I get to lay on a beach and take in the sunshine and warm weather in my bikini and...wait, crap...I gotta get in shape!!!
Then I was driving home one day and "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley came on...talk about a perfect summer song. "And i can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun, you got your hair combed back, sunglasses on baby..." And I thought of all those lazy days at the beach growing up (I'm a beach baby from NB) and how the sun warms your skin, the smell of the fresh salty air and nothing to stress about. Bingo! We needed a beach...but landlocked in Ontario, REAL beaches (with SALT WATER) are non-existent...so I needed the next best thing. All the ambiance with fresh water. Here were the choices (that I knew of) Wasaga Beach and Sauble Beach. I had been to both and felt like Wasaga was more of a party beach/town...a la Jersey Shore and god knows I am NOT Snooki...though I AM pretty klutzy! Sauble was more lazy, family orientated, which truthfully is how we are now...lazy and family-like! So I asked Niki and we decided to look into renting a cottage up in Sauble...after much research, it was either spend a ton for something half-way decent or spend less and sleep in borderline ghetto place...hmmm...Then I thought of Crystal Beach. I always forget about that area because it's A) Lake Erie and B)Not in "official" cottage country. But it's just as warm and sunny, plenty of beach and would give us the same experience...maybe even for less. And, bonus? It's less than an hour away! BIG difference than Sauble (at least 2-3 hours through backroad country) or Wasaga (3-4 hours through major highways and everyone else in the frigging province going away!) so Crystal was looking better and better. Also, as I was planning our girls only weekend getaway, I thought "Man, my hubby and I could really use a romantic, us-only getaway too!" And our anniversary is in August too...so we could have a REAL anniversary (other than the traditional dinner and movie). So I thought maybe we could do two separate weekends and space them out. One problem...they don't take partial weeks in the summer months. Damn! So I thought what if I book the cottage, my hubby comes for part of the week and Niki comes for the other half? Unfortunately, I can take time off at the beginning of the month because of being in production the second half of the month, so I had to plan it ASAP. I get the best of both worlds and a total week of vegging and sun. The only downside is I'm away from my cute little angel for a whole week, but I even have a plan for that. My parents, who will watch her while my hubby is there with me, will also be celebrating their anniversary on the same date as us, so they will come down on the second last day my hubby is there to spend a day with us at the cottage/beach and then they will leave and my hubby and I keep Abby for the night and my hubby brings her home the following day, when Niki arrives later on. Ooh, now I just have to wait another month before I get to lay on a beach and take in the sunshine and warm weather in my bikini and...wait, crap...I gotta get in shape!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Might as well face it, she's addicted to...SHREK!
I have a confession to make...my kid is addicted to Shrek. Yep, the big green Ogre in the movies...she loves the big green lug. She loves Donkey, Puss in Boots, Fiona, Gingy, Dragon and the Ogre babies. I blame Clayton. As we were getting sick of Mickey Mouse, Handy Manny and other shows constantly on repeat in our toddler's world, he decided one afternoon to put on Shrek for a change of pace...way to go hun! Now, Abby is hooked like a crack addict. Thank GOD we have all four, plus the Christmas one...and the Halloween one...and the straight to DVD Donkey Christmas Spectacular...she gets up in the morning "Donkey?" We get home from the store "Donkey? Shrek?" We get in the car "Donkey? Momma?" I can now find all the hidden things about Shrek that no one else even KNOWS about...for example, in Shrek the Third, Rumpelstiltskin is one guy...but then in the Shrek Forever After, the guy is COMPLETELY different! Yep, this stuff will keep me up at night, wondering why. I won't go into all the stuff I've noticed but as far as I'm concerned, if she's addicted to that over say, that In the Night Garden or Yo Gabba Gabba...I'm ok with that. It's the one thing that she will sit down and actually WATCH. I'm even wondering if when that Puss in Boots movie comes out, we could take her...hmm...not sure...maybe...yeah, probably not. Clayton and I can now almost completely recite all the movies...and the worst part is that BEFORE all this, we have seen each movie several times because Bella was hooked on Shrek too so I think we should start getting some of the profits cause we're keeping the green dude in circulation...
Monday, June 13, 2011
What to think about today?
Today, on my long...very long(!) drive to work, I was thinking about who I am. These days (probably longer than I care to admit), I have been lost. I don't know who I am. I am NOT happy with myself but can't see how to change myself. My day is filled with commuting, work, commuting and then getting Abby fed, bathed and then bed. Then? Well, then I'm done...most nights I can barely get myself fed and then collapse into bed. My poor husband and cat are fighting for rights of who is getting more neglected (right now, Clayton is winning for sheer volume). Repeat for 5 days and then the weekend is spent getting laundry done, trying to clean the house (or avoid cleaning the house), working on dealing with our backyard, spending time with friends and family and getting groceries or other chores done and then BAM! before you know it, it's Sunday evening and rinse and repeat all over again...so how do I change? When do I find the time? I already get so little time with Abby that doing stuff during the week that takes me away from her causes me more stress. I get two hours a day with her if I'm lucky and then the weekend. I only have limited vacation time and even then, have already used some of it and only have four precious days left. So how do I change myself, my perception of myself, fix myself and when I am waiting to meet with a therapist (who I have no idea when I'm going to find time to see THEM), I still have to take my cat to the vet, go on a date with my husband, pick up a card and present for a birthday party, plan Father's Day...I feel like the second I start thinking about making changes in my life, my life YELLS at me to get stuff done. I still have piles of "crap" (as my husband likes to call it) tottering dangerously in Abby's playroom to go through, organize...I have photo albums I want to do, scrapbooks I'd love to work on, projects that I've given up on but hope I will eventually finish. I try to squeeze in stuff I need to do on my lunch break, I'm baffled at people who get so much amazing stuff done. I feel like a total failure...I get NOTHING accomplished and yet, part of me, doesn't care...the other part? I'm in denial and hope I can figure all this out before my marriage falls apart, my kid grows up, my cat ages and dies and I fall apart...
So, overall, yeah, I'm doing SUPER great right now...shakes head...gotta get it together...gotta air out the junk and then get rid of the junk and then figure out how the heck to get stuff accomplished in my life!! Wish me luck...hell, wish me energy...I need a nap...
So, overall, yeah, I'm doing SUPER great right now...shakes head...gotta get it together...gotta air out the junk and then get rid of the junk and then figure out how the heck to get stuff accomplished in my life!! Wish me luck...hell, wish me energy...I need a nap...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Welcome to Worrywart World...I will be your host!
Today I will NOT worry...yeah right! I try, oh I try...but all I do the whole day through is worry...
What do I really worry about anyway? Oh yeah, I know the answer to this…CRAP! I obsess about it, dream about it (that, and random guys…mmm…whoops!) and can’t turn my brain off it. There was a quote I read once that made sense to me:
“Run within yourself”
So basically, stop trying to keep up with everyone else and just run your own race. Does it matter if my counter is constantly cluttered with papers? Or that I never seem to get around to reading all the books on my shelf? Or that I have photo albums to do and scrapbooks to finish (or start)? Yep, these are the things that bug me. It doesn’t help that my husband gets on me about it too, which leads me to feeling guilty and frustrated. I tell him to leave it alone but he’s obsessive about stuff too so I usually get mad, throw everything into a bag and deal with it later…I now have six bags of “crap” on the go…but they all have things in them I need to deal with.
I need to make the decision to stop worrying about what I can’t change. I need to eat less junk food and more healthy stuff. I need to go back to yoga. I need to declutter my life. I just have to figure out where to start.
Every day, I have ambition to do stuff and every night I go to bed, thinking “I’ll just do it tomorrow.” What worries me is that all that stuff that doesn’t get done will pile up and I’ll never get ANYTHING done. I even try picking ONE task and completely finishing it…but it never seems to happen anymore. And then I get all panicky (like right now as I type this) and need to go lay down to calm myself...or get out of the house.
Anxiety plagues me as I think about all the stuff I want to do...but honestly, will I ever get this stuff done? I really really want to have a photo album of my wedding all nice and organized. I really want to not have piles of papers to go through. But it's like I get rid of a bunch of stuff and then I want to do something and POOF! It all rewinds to the start and I'm sitting there thinking "I can do this...and then this...then...well, maybe not tonight...but tomorrow for sure...but..."
Baby steps, I know...
What do I really worry about anyway? Oh yeah, I know the answer to this…CRAP! I obsess about it, dream about it (that, and random guys…mmm…whoops!) and can’t turn my brain off it. There was a quote I read once that made sense to me:
“Run within yourself”
So basically, stop trying to keep up with everyone else and just run your own race. Does it matter if my counter is constantly cluttered with papers? Or that I never seem to get around to reading all the books on my shelf? Or that I have photo albums to do and scrapbooks to finish (or start)? Yep, these are the things that bug me. It doesn’t help that my husband gets on me about it too, which leads me to feeling guilty and frustrated. I tell him to leave it alone but he’s obsessive about stuff too so I usually get mad, throw everything into a bag and deal with it later…I now have six bags of “crap” on the go…but they all have things in them I need to deal with.
I need to make the decision to stop worrying about what I can’t change. I need to eat less junk food and more healthy stuff. I need to go back to yoga. I need to declutter my life. I just have to figure out where to start.
Every day, I have ambition to do stuff and every night I go to bed, thinking “I’ll just do it tomorrow.” What worries me is that all that stuff that doesn’t get done will pile up and I’ll never get ANYTHING done. I even try picking ONE task and completely finishing it…but it never seems to happen anymore. And then I get all panicky (like right now as I type this) and need to go lay down to calm myself...or get out of the house.
Anxiety plagues me as I think about all the stuff I want to do...but honestly, will I ever get this stuff done? I really really want to have a photo album of my wedding all nice and organized. I really want to not have piles of papers to go through. But it's like I get rid of a bunch of stuff and then I want to do something and POOF! It all rewinds to the start and I'm sitting there thinking "I can do this...and then this...then...well, maybe not tonight...but tomorrow for sure...but..."
Baby steps, I know...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The quest for something...more?
Hello, my name is Peggy. I have one beautiful child, whom I adore excessively and I’m also married to the best man in the whole world...for me! I’m a full time working mom (who wishes some days she could be a stay-at-home mom) and I’ve decided to start blogging because I have verbal diarrhea and might as well have written diarrhea too! Plus, I think it will be both cathartic and entertaining to document my life as it is now. Dealing with a child while in my 30’s, being married (and currently with my man for 11 years), having Celiac Disease, being a writer, wishing for more happiness and balance in my life, etc. Plus, I have to deal with myself and learning how to be more positive and happy with MYSELF. This is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated.
So how do you be happier? I ponder this question a lot. I know I WANT to be happy. I know I have no excuse NOT to be happy. So what stops me from being happy? The only answer I can come up with is...myself. I’m blocking myself somehow and I need to figure out how to change my mindset. But how? What can I physically do? Emotionally? Spiritually?
I’ve been back at work full time since August and it’s been a harder adjustment than I ever realized. I’m not one of those moms who can’t WAIT to get back to work. I’m the one who leaves her happy, smiling baby in someone else’s arms and wishes that I weren’t making that hour long commute to Mississauga to sit at a desk and do a job that causes a LOT of stress (though it does satisfy some of my interests). So, I envy those who get to cuddle, kiss, hug and spend all day playing with my little angel.
And time has become my mortal enemy. I thought I could do it all. Keep it up at work and come home to a happy home and family and all I’d have to do is put in some time and everything would work out fine. Yep, didn’t happen. I know, stupid, huh?
I don’t want to be a complainer though, so I do my best to suck it up. But lately, the nagging thoughts of self-destruction, the overwhelming amount of things that I really want to get done, the expectations to keep up and well, I’ve officially fallen apart. I admit it.
I used to believe in “fake it until you make it,” so maybe that’s how I can get myself back on track because, let’s face it, no one can do anything about my happiness other than ME!
I hope to become a consistent blogger and maybe purge some of my emotional cargo in the process...wishful thinking?
So how do you be happier? I ponder this question a lot. I know I WANT to be happy. I know I have no excuse NOT to be happy. So what stops me from being happy? The only answer I can come up with is...myself. I’m blocking myself somehow and I need to figure out how to change my mindset. But how? What can I physically do? Emotionally? Spiritually?
I’ve been back at work full time since August and it’s been a harder adjustment than I ever realized. I’m not one of those moms who can’t WAIT to get back to work. I’m the one who leaves her happy, smiling baby in someone else’s arms and wishes that I weren’t making that hour long commute to Mississauga to sit at a desk and do a job that causes a LOT of stress (though it does satisfy some of my interests). So, I envy those who get to cuddle, kiss, hug and spend all day playing with my little angel.
And time has become my mortal enemy. I thought I could do it all. Keep it up at work and come home to a happy home and family and all I’d have to do is put in some time and everything would work out fine. Yep, didn’t happen. I know, stupid, huh?
I don’t want to be a complainer though, so I do my best to suck it up. But lately, the nagging thoughts of self-destruction, the overwhelming amount of things that I really want to get done, the expectations to keep up and well, I’ve officially fallen apart. I admit it.
I used to believe in “fake it until you make it,” so maybe that’s how I can get myself back on track because, let’s face it, no one can do anything about my happiness other than ME!
I hope to become a consistent blogger and maybe purge some of my emotional cargo in the process...wishful thinking?
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