Today, on my long...very long(!) drive to work, I was thinking about who I am. These days (probably longer than I care to admit), I have been lost. I don't know who I am. I am NOT happy with myself but can't see how to change myself. My day is filled with commuting, work, commuting and then getting Abby fed, bathed and then bed. Then? Well, then I'm done...most nights I can barely get myself fed and then collapse into bed. My poor husband and cat are fighting for rights of who is getting more neglected (right now, Clayton is winning for sheer volume). Repeat for 5 days and then the weekend is spent getting laundry done, trying to clean the house (or avoid cleaning the house), working on dealing with our backyard, spending time with friends and family and getting groceries or other chores done and then BAM! before you know it, it's Sunday evening and rinse and repeat all over again...so how do I change? When do I find the time? I already get so little time with Abby that doing stuff during the week that takes me away from her causes me more stress. I get two hours a day with her if I'm lucky and then the weekend. I only have limited vacation time and even then, have already used some of it and only have four precious days left. So how do I change myself, my perception of myself, fix myself and when I am waiting to meet with a therapist (who I have no idea when I'm going to find time to see THEM), I still have to take my cat to the vet, go on a date with my husband, pick up a card and present for a birthday party, plan Father's Day...I feel like the second I start thinking about making changes in my life, my life YELLS at me to get stuff done. I still have piles of "crap" (as my husband likes to call it) tottering dangerously in Abby's playroom to go through, organize...I have photo albums I want to do, scrapbooks I'd love to work on, projects that I've given up on but hope I will eventually finish. I try to squeeze in stuff I need to do on my lunch break, I'm baffled at people who get so much amazing stuff done. I feel like a total failure...I get NOTHING accomplished and yet, part of me, doesn't care...the other part? I'm in denial and hope I can figure all this out before my marriage falls apart, my kid grows up, my cat ages and dies and I fall apart...
So, overall, yeah, I'm doing SUPER great right now...shakes head...gotta get it together...gotta air out the junk and then get rid of the junk and then figure out how the heck to get stuff accomplished in my life!! Wish me luck...hell, wish me energy...I need a nap...
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