Unearthing the junk

Since my therapy session on Monday, I've been feeling happy that I'm finally doing something about my issues. But the one thing that hovers in my thoughts is the situation with Bella. For those of you that don't know, (and sorry if you do...you're getting it again) here's the back story. I met Clayton in 2000. When I met him, I didn't know he had a child but he soon told me that he and his ex had a baby together but that he found out it wasn't his. I said ok and understood why he left her and the baby. In 2001, after we went to NB for the first time together, he told me that he was scared to tell me the truth because he thought I'd leave him and fessed up that the baby WAS his but that because he was so young and the relationship with his ex was so toxic, his parents took him out of the situation and he hadn't seen his daughter since (at the time, she would have been 3). I forgave him and he told me that he had been thinking about her and wanting to be back in her life now that he was older and finished school and had a job but he was unsure of whether he should or not. I told him that I would fully support him and be as little or as much involved as he wanted me to. But that I would only support him if he stayed in her life, no going in and going out. This was due to the fact that even though my dad was there in my life growing up, he was never THERE. He showed up for special occasions and the occasional visit but we never saw him regularly. He was too busy working and I couldn't be with someone who did the same. He said he understood and then began the process with his lawyer to get back in touch with his ex. It took a while to track her down and make the initial conversations but his ex agreed to allow him back in her life and he would start paying her child support. Then the visits started. It began with a short visit at the mall with his ex and Bella (who by now was 4 1/2) and didn't include me (which was completely fine). Then, we were cleared for a visit with both of us. I was ok with waiting until their relationship was further along but he insisted. Since we were still living with our parents at the time, it meant being at my parent's place. I got to meet her for the first time and immediately fell in love with her sweetness and adorable nature. She warmed up to me instantly (plus it helps that I have a way with kids) but it took a while to get the relationship going between her and Clayton. She eventually had sleepovers and finally moved up to visits every other weekend and a Thursday night visit. I became her surrogate mom away from home. I gave her time and space to be with her dad and did everything I could to nurture that relationship and helping Clayton to be a better dad, while also building my own relationship with her. I talked to her mom to make sure I was following along with what she wanted and always was careful to not step on her or Clayton's toes and help them. I bought her bedding, clothes, toys and welcomed her in my life with open arms. I never looked back on my carefree non-child life. If she was sick, I comforted her. We read stories, went shopping, danced, had lemonade stands, singed, watched movies, played dress up, went ice skating, went hiking, went sledding. When we were going to New Brunswick for two weeks, she came with us. Vacation time was no longer what Clayton and I would do but what we would do with Bella. Camping, swimming, day trips, hanging out, etc. There was NOTHING I wouldn't have done for her.
But in the past couple of years, things started changing. First, her mom got pregnant (she had been with the same guy for almost as long as Clayton and I had been together). She was excited about the new sibling but fearful because she was losing her only child and centre of attention status. It was an adjustment but we all pulled together and helped her to prepare for being a big sister and she was great at it. I took pride in the fact that all four of us were raising this little girl together (me, Clayton, her mom and her mom's live-in boyfriend). Then, Clayton and I got married around the same time. She was very happy with me being her "official" step mom and I made sure she was part of the ceremony and let her know that I was marrying Daddy and her because I was officially becoming part of THEIR family. She was a junior bridesmaid, shared a special dance with Clayton, was present at the bridal shower (we made sure we held it on a weekend we had her) and even signed the register (she declined being part of the ceremony though cause she was too nervous to have everyone looking at her). Everything felt good. Then, her mom decided to get married. We also were pregnant with Abby at the time and though Bella said she was happy to finally have a sister, we knew it would be a big adjustment because it meant the dynamic when she visited would be different and talked to her about it and how we would do whatever we could to help her deal with it. She seemed fine with that. But truthfully, she seemed to always be more excited about news dealing with her mom than ours. When we were getting married, she was more excited about her new baby brother coming. When I was pregnant, she was more excited about her mom's wedding. And for the record, we did NOT plan to do these at the same time as their events, it just happened that way!
Then, Bella wanted to change her last name. All this time, she had gone by both her Mom's and Clayton's last name, but now she wanted to drop both and just go simply by her new stepfather's name (which would also be her mom's name and her brother's). We fought it because we didn't agree that she should be allowed to change her name until she was 18, but her mom fought us back, telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and that we should respect her decision and SHE supported her. It was us against them and it was tearing Clayton and I up. We fought it for as long as we could but his ex kept telling us that it was Bella's decision to make and not ours. He hated doing it but feared of losing his connection with Bella and finally agreed to signing the papers to allow her to change her name. With her mom not supporting us, what could we do? We thought things would get back to normal after that, however it just seemed to keep getting worse between us and Bella and her mom. Suddenly, we started getting calls that Bella was unhappy with something we had said over the weekend. We talked about everything and hashed stuff out but it didn't stop it from happening again. We became terrified of every weekend we had her and saying anything to her, for fear that it would come back in a negative way after the weekend was over (Bella would never say anything while she was with us). I tried to avoid saying anything to her that could be misconstrued. I was told by her mom to stay out of conversations with Bella because she feared I would "be mean to her", which I would never do so it hurt me that she felt like that about me. But I stayed out of it for her sake.
Then, Abby was born. It started off good. Bella insisted that we come get her immediately when Abby was born. She wanted to help choose a name. She picked out a present for her. However, we weren't allowed to pick her up when Abby was born. We wanted to, but we were told it wasn't a good time. We just figured we'd have her soon and it wouldn't matter. The first time we had Bella after Abby was born, she hovered over Abby's crib, waiting for her to wake up so she could hold her. She even dressed her in her Cabbage Patch Doll dresses (yep, Abby was that tiny!) But even though everyone was excited about Abby, everyone in both our families still made sure to give Bella extra attention, including us. We took her to the movies, we went shopping (without Abby), we watched movies after Abby went to bed, she had sleepovers with friends...but despite all this, we still got calls and Bella still had issues with something that had happened or was said. Last summer, after us having her for a whole week, we got the phone call with her mom angry that I had told Bella to call me mom and that we and my family were treating her like a little kid. I was stunned because I would NEVER ask Bella to call me mom and we did everything to give Bella independence but still, she was only 12. She stayed up later when she stayed with us because it was the weekends, she had a computer (mine but she could use it) in her room, a TV (again, not bought for her but in her room for her to watch movies and TV) and had many clothes in the closet she had bought for herself with money she had earned by doing chores or from birthday or other holidays. She had independence when she was with us. I didn't ask her often to watch Abby (only if Clayton was out and I needed to shower) and never thrust Abby on her...especially since her mom was pregnant again, so in addition to the brother she already had, her mom also operated a day care in her home, so Bella was ALWAYS surrounded by kids. I aimed to give her a break from those responsibilities on our weekends with her. She could sleep in, go read in her room (which had been decorated with her choices) or do whatever. So we were baffled. This had come out of nowhere and the whole time Bella was with us, she was fine. She never said anything that could have tipped us off. So where was this coming from?
I told her mom that I never told Bella that but she insisted and told us that we were lying and she believed Bella. She then told me to back off and to deal with my husband and she'd deal with HER daughter. I was shut out. Clayton was torn between anger at her mom for seemingly manipulating his daughter into feeling this way about us and not even trying to see our side of it and being scared he would lose his daughter. We thought if we played nice and did what she asked, she would help Bella get through this and we'd be together soon and everything would be fine.
She suggested Bella not visiting us for a little while while Bella did therapy. We were fine with this because we were told it would only be a little while. But seeing as this happening two weeks before Abby's first birthday, I suspected more. Where did this come from? Was it Bella manipulating all of us? Was it her mom playing the cards for many years, seeping poisoned thoughts into Bella's head without anyone noticing and it finally worked? Was it us not doing enough or doing too much? Was it me being too involved when I should have stood back? I was tormented by thoughts...it wrecked me. Every time I tried to talk to Clayton, he would just get more and more upset and said he didn't want to talk about it over and over again when it was clear that nothing he did was working or could change the situation.
I suggested that he go up to Guelph (where she lives) to visit her and I would stay behind with Abby. Heck I told him that if I were the problem, I'd go to my parent's house for the weekend and Bella could just see him and Abby or I could take Abby with me. Whatever it took. But no...she didn't want that. She wanted a break.
Clayton kept reaching out, calling and emailing Bella but never heard anything back. He was told (by his ex in emails cause she wouldn't call him back) that Bella wouldn't read the emails and deleted them and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. He was angry, frustrated and tired of dealing with it. But he has kept all emails he's sent so if, for any reason, Bella comes to him and says he gave up on her, he can prove that he never stopped trying.
It's almost been a year now since we've seen her and nothing has changed. Not only has she cut us off, but also all my family and all of Clayton's family...and even her own family (her mom's dad was a friend of Clayton's dad and even they don't see Bella anymore and have no idea what is happening). Like we never existed. Like we haven't been there for the last 8 years. I see pictures of her, the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, the "I love you's" and it's like my dad all over again. My therapist says that the incomplete, broken way things ended with Bella have ripped open those old wounds from growing up with an absent dad...another rejection...another loss...and no way to fix it. It aches...it burns...and I can't for the life of me understand why it happened. How do you take a happy, sweet little girl and turn her into a manipulative miserable pre-teen who hates her own family who have always been there and loved her? I was raised that if you are mad at someone, you talk to them. You deal with it. Bella is obviously not being raised the same way. Instead, if it's hard, just leave. Just don't try. Give up. So how do we deal when it's clearly wrecking us, our relationship with each other and our memories of Bella in our lives? We cling to Abby like a buoy. We kiss her endlessly, share our joy over every "love ew" and "mama", "daddy" "aw man" and kisses and hugs Abby gives out regularly. I grieve that Bella isn't here, isn't seeing Abby. Abby used to light up when Bella was there...god, she loved her so much. All we can do is wait...it feels like it's been years not seeing her. With every occasion (pumpkin carving, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Father's Day, Bella's birthday), it's like the wound opens again as we try to get through and NOT think about her. As Abby becomes more and more verbal and intuitive about her world, I only pray that Bella comes back and everything can be fixed. And I will never allow Abby to do anything like this to her family. It's not just about Bella...it's about all of us. She hurt us more than she knows and how can we ever fix this?