Do I HAVE to let her grow up?

Letting Abby grow up is harder than I thought. I'm definitely not rushing her but I'm not holding her back either. So, why do I still rock her to sleep (well, doziness) in my arms when I put her to bed? I've finally figured it out. I'm NOT doing it for her (cause I could be tough and chuck the rocking chair or at least move it out of the room). I'm really doing it for me. I get it. All day long, she's away from me while I work. At night, she's either too busy to cuddle or doesn't want to. Getting her to sit still only happens when we are in the car. So, why do I do it? Because it's the one time of day that she turns back into my little baby. She lays in my arms, sprawled out (and yes, she does take up a LOT more room on my lap now!) and has her bottle (we're slowly working on weaning THAT off but she doesn't do a soother or suck her thumb so it's her security blankie) and just snuggles into me. She smells so adorable, she sighs, I can kiss her and stroke her hair and she LETS me. No "No Mommy!" or swatting me away. It's the one time when I get to get my mommy fill. I can watch her in her sweetest. Her eyes closed, her little cheeks moving as she has her bottle, her little hand twisting in her hair. She's not frowning, throwing a temper, fidgeting, running away or crying. Just letting me adore her again. Sigh...not gonna lie...it's hard to let that go. I know I have to eventually but in the meantime, I will not begrudge those moments of my time. I know I should have trained her to go to sleep on her own ages ago but I know that even as she gets older, she'll want me to cuddle with her in bed, reading a book, singing to her or rubbing her back. It's what her sister did. I used to have moments of wishing Bella would just go to bed on her own because I was missing out on time with friends when they were over visiting or because I was tired and wanted to go to bed myself. But with Abby, I know how fleeting all this is and how quickly they go from wanting you near them to pushing you away so if I have to sacrifice some time now to get to cuddle with my little girl, I'll take it and hold on for dear life. When her guard is down like that, she only wants me and I'm sorry but I frigging love that! A lot of times in my life, I feel like I can't do anything right. And maybe this isn't right either but she wants it and I need it. In that darkened room, with her little music box playing out that same tune she's fallen asleep too since she was born, we have our "moment" again. I can't be stressed, angry, upset or worried when I get to hold that little angel in my arms. And when I whisper "I love you Abby" and she opens her eyes, smiles, takes her bottle out of her mouth and whispers "I loves you too Mommy", my heart melts and I know that nothing in this world will ever make me feel so at peace. And THAT is a true gift for me!