So Saturday night I was bored, wanted to get out of the house, Clayton was being a lump on the couch and we needed a few things at the grocery store, so decided to go. I figured since Abby was in such a good mood, had her nap, I brought her with me. I knew I was only going to be there for a short period of time so even if she had a meltdown, I would be okay.
We got there and she wanted to get in the cart...then she wanted out, then in...I was already getting frustrated and we hadn't even entered the store yet. Then I remembered those little "kid" carts that she used once before. "Let's go get Abby a cart!" Abby's eyes lit up. "Ok, let's go Mommy!" She ran over to the carts and pulled one out, nearly knocking over another child in the process...but no tears so all was good. Then, we commenced getting groceries. I figured that she'd "help" me put things in her cart and love pushing it around. Nah...what she really loved was the freedom to put anything her heart's desire wanted in "her" cart. First, it was a lime. Then, an orange. A bag of cranberries. Oops, gotta go get a loaf of Wonderbread, Mommy...ooh, what are these? I'll only take one...chestnut? Huh...
I had nothing in my cart and my kid was getting a bizarre assortment of stuff. I never told her not to, I just snuck behind her and put them back while she was off getting another thing. An apple...no, put that one back, maybe a green one? Ooh, raisins! Some tortillas, multi grain bread...MOMMY, it's CAKE! Ok, I need to put this bread away and get the cake. I know I could have been irritated by all this extra work. What was supposed to be a short grocery trip was becoming a three ring circus workout...for me! But truthfully, I didn't mind. She was so happy, so interested in the food and running down the aisles with her little cart, she made a cute picture. People smiled at her, laughed when she decided to put something back and get something else. I was just keeping her moving along and when her cart got full, she just started dumping her cart's contents into mine and start all over again. I didn't buy anything she put in there, except for the pretzels (cause man, this kid loves her pretzels) and a green apple...oh and a kiwi (cause on the drive over, she asked for a kiwi). I just loved watching her having so much fun. She didn't whine, cry, throw herself down on the floor or throw stuff around. And when we were all done, she took her cart over to the others and put it back while I waited in line for her. She didn't toss it in the general direction, nope, she very carefully put it right back in. Then she came back and asked if she could have pretzels...in a bowl...and watch Barbie. I smiled and said "Ok, but what do you say?" She looked up, pushed her shaggy little mop out of her blue eyes and smiled "Please Mommy?" And these are the moments that make your heart swell. I know she will cause me frustration and grief many times throughout her childhood but right now, I'm just treasuring these little moments where I utterly and completely am just enjoying being with her. Sigh...
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Things to think about...
Lately, I have been thinking about my past...not that it matters but I think of it. I long for those carefree days when there was no pressure, I felt happier (even when I was going through teen hell), summer was fun and I looked forward to things. I know I have changed, life happened. I am older but still I dwell on those old memories, old feelings. Like having them again will change things or make me feel better (cause I know, deep down, that they really won't). Nothing is ever as good as it was when you first remember it...which is why you long for it again. A first boyfriend, the anticipation of a first kiss, feeling like this sexy person that can flirt, have fun and not have any guards up.
But before you think the worst of me, I love my husband very much. He knows me more than anyone else. He gets me, he fights for me. He supports me, he holds me. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. But still, the memories flitter through my mind. So how do I try not to wish for those feelings again? It would be awesome if you could just magically have those feelings again? It's like a drug rush. But oh well...since I am not going back in a time machine to being 13 and in love for the first time, I must get over it and focus on my marriage and making THOSE feelings stronger and stronger so that when I am feeling nostalgic, I can shrug and say "Please...that was so lame!" Sigh...
But before you think the worst of me, I love my husband very much. He knows me more than anyone else. He gets me, he fights for me. He supports me, he holds me. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. But still, the memories flitter through my mind. So how do I try not to wish for those feelings again? It would be awesome if you could just magically have those feelings again? It's like a drug rush. But oh well...since I am not going back in a time machine to being 13 and in love for the first time, I must get over it and focus on my marriage and making THOSE feelings stronger and stronger so that when I am feeling nostalgic, I can shrug and say "Please...that was so lame!" Sigh...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How to live more economically
In the aftermath of my little girl's second birthday and with Christmas looming precariously in the near future (yes, I said it...Christmas!), money is tight in our household. My Visa has more on it than I would like to admit and we are looking at ways to cut back. The worst part is that when I look at the frugal websites, I'm doing all the right things...so where is my money?
1. Bringing your own instead of buying. I am NOT one of those people queuing for three hours every morning at Timmie's. I make my tea at home and me and my flask drive the commute together. Also, I seldom eat out for lunch. I brown bag it every day, whether it's leftovers or stuff I buy along with our groceries just for lunch.
2. Clip coupons. I do it. I clip them. But then, like my bags that I'm supposed to bring with me, I forget them at home...I need to be better at this one.
3. Wash laundry in cold water. I do this...in fact, we NEVER use hot water. But we do need to get back to using our drying rack to cut back on using our dryer.
4. Turning lights off. We're getting better at this. We have a motion sensor on the one so it only turns one when you walk into the room. It is awful funny to watch people freak when they are standing there and then it shuts off! But I am working on this one too. I have gotten better!
5. Using those funky lights that use less energy. Thanks to my hubby, almost all of our lightbulbs are the energy saving ones...so score one for us! Plus, we have a programmable thermostat which I know is a huge cost savings.
However, we still have a lot to work on, namely:
1. Eating out. We like to order pizza or go out for dinner once in a while. Even grabbing a bite at the fast food places can add up.
2. Buying stuff we don't need. I'm a sucker for sales and dollar stores are a huge weakeness. Does Abby need more toys or do I need another soup ladle? Here is where I need to limit going to stores to avoid purchasing "stuff"
3. Groceries. We spend way more than I want to. I'm working on that too. I found that keeping a list, sticking to it and writing down the price of EVERYTHING and tallying it WHILE shopping, keeps me on task...but it's a lot of work to do it and time consuming...hence the problem. Plus, having to buy gluten free IS more expensive so I try to buy more stuff that I can make than prepackaged cookies or snacks...it's hard though...I like convenience...it's so...CONVENIENT!
4. Stuff for Abby. Growing up with a single working parent, we didn't have a lot of extra stuff. I have a hard time NOT getting stuff for Abby. I try to limit myself to birthday, Christmas and other holidays but why do all girls' clothes and toys have to be so damn cute? It's not fair. I know she doesn't care what she wears...but I really would love to be able to buy more cute, fun clothes and not just buy the necessities. I'm working on it...
But it doesn't feel like the sacrifices have been helping. I haven't gotten my haircut since um, March (??), don't get pedicures, manicures, don't have a gym membership or take any classes (I didn't even take yoga, trying to save money)...so where is my money going??
Gas (I spend $500 a month with me commuting from Grimsby to Mississauga alone)
Food (groceries, eating out, ordering in, lunch food, etc)
Therapy (I have to pay up front and have no idea how much mine and Clayton's coverage will cover)
Shoppers (prescriptions-again, covered but have to pay up front)
My Visa keeps creeping higher and higher...ahh! I need to fix my monetary self! Sigh...shoot me...
1. Bringing your own instead of buying. I am NOT one of those people queuing for three hours every morning at Timmie's. I make my tea at home and me and my flask drive the commute together. Also, I seldom eat out for lunch. I brown bag it every day, whether it's leftovers or stuff I buy along with our groceries just for lunch.
2. Clip coupons. I do it. I clip them. But then, like my bags that I'm supposed to bring with me, I forget them at home...I need to be better at this one.
3. Wash laundry in cold water. I do this...in fact, we NEVER use hot water. But we do need to get back to using our drying rack to cut back on using our dryer.
4. Turning lights off. We're getting better at this. We have a motion sensor on the one so it only turns one when you walk into the room. It is awful funny to watch people freak when they are standing there and then it shuts off! But I am working on this one too. I have gotten better!
5. Using those funky lights that use less energy. Thanks to my hubby, almost all of our lightbulbs are the energy saving ones...so score one for us! Plus, we have a programmable thermostat which I know is a huge cost savings.
However, we still have a lot to work on, namely:
1. Eating out. We like to order pizza or go out for dinner once in a while. Even grabbing a bite at the fast food places can add up.
2. Buying stuff we don't need. I'm a sucker for sales and dollar stores are a huge weakeness. Does Abby need more toys or do I need another soup ladle? Here is where I need to limit going to stores to avoid purchasing "stuff"
3. Groceries. We spend way more than I want to. I'm working on that too. I found that keeping a list, sticking to it and writing down the price of EVERYTHING and tallying it WHILE shopping, keeps me on task...but it's a lot of work to do it and time consuming...hence the problem. Plus, having to buy gluten free IS more expensive so I try to buy more stuff that I can make than prepackaged cookies or snacks...it's hard though...I like convenience...it's so...CONVENIENT!
4. Stuff for Abby. Growing up with a single working parent, we didn't have a lot of extra stuff. I have a hard time NOT getting stuff for Abby. I try to limit myself to birthday, Christmas and other holidays but why do all girls' clothes and toys have to be so damn cute? It's not fair. I know she doesn't care what she wears...but I really would love to be able to buy more cute, fun clothes and not just buy the necessities. I'm working on it...
But it doesn't feel like the sacrifices have been helping. I haven't gotten my haircut since um, March (??), don't get pedicures, manicures, don't have a gym membership or take any classes (I didn't even take yoga, trying to save money)...so where is my money going??
Gas (I spend $500 a month with me commuting from Grimsby to Mississauga alone)
Food (groceries, eating out, ordering in, lunch food, etc)
Therapy (I have to pay up front and have no idea how much mine and Clayton's coverage will cover)
Shoppers (prescriptions-again, covered but have to pay up front)
My Visa keeps creeping higher and higher...ahh! I need to fix my monetary self! Sigh...shoot me...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
What makes me happy?
I think I need to keep a list handy so that when I’m down (which has been A LOT lately, I know…not good), I can read it and at least feel like SOMETHING in my life isn’t completely messed up.
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
1. Getting to leave work early and the traffic is light and it’s sunny and I have the windows down and there is awesome fun music on the radio.
2. That moment when I slide into bed and know that I get to go to sleep or read a little. It just feels so good.
3. When Abby gives me a hug or kiss without me begging her to. I could die a happy death feeling that love coming off her.
4. Peanut butter…yep, right out of the jar!
5. Sitting down with a Chai Tea Latte and time to actually drink it.
6. Feeling the breeze on my face when it’s cool but not cold and the sun is warm on my skin.
7. Hearing Abby laugh or giggle and seeing her little face all scrunched up and totally adorable.
8. Sliding into Clayton’s arms when I’m having a rough time. He is my rock.
9. Having my mom brush my hair with her fingers. I may be like 10 inches taller than her but if I sit next to her on the couch, she will pull me into her for a hug and stroke my hair…I feel so relaxed, like a child again.
10. Laying on the bed and my cat comes up the bed. I put out my arm, he lays down right in the crook of my armpit and body and just purrs, licks my fingers and my nose and I lay my hand on his back and feel his soft warm fur beneath my fingers…it’s like therapy.
11. When I’m sick and Owen comes and sleeps on the bed with me all day…even though he usually lays on the chair downstairs during the day. I call him Nurse Owen for taking care of me!
That's all I have right now, but whenever I think of something else, I will add it...
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
1. Getting to leave work early and the traffic is light and it’s sunny and I have the windows down and there is awesome fun music on the radio.
2. That moment when I slide into bed and know that I get to go to sleep or read a little. It just feels so good.
3. When Abby gives me a hug or kiss without me begging her to. I could die a happy death feeling that love coming off her.
4. Peanut butter…yep, right out of the jar!
5. Sitting down with a Chai Tea Latte and time to actually drink it.
6. Feeling the breeze on my face when it’s cool but not cold and the sun is warm on my skin.
7. Hearing Abby laugh or giggle and seeing her little face all scrunched up and totally adorable.
8. Sliding into Clayton’s arms when I’m having a rough time. He is my rock.
9. Having my mom brush my hair with her fingers. I may be like 10 inches taller than her but if I sit next to her on the couch, she will pull me into her for a hug and stroke my hair…I feel so relaxed, like a child again.
10. Laying on the bed and my cat comes up the bed. I put out my arm, he lays down right in the crook of my armpit and body and just purrs, licks my fingers and my nose and I lay my hand on his back and feel his soft warm fur beneath my fingers…it’s like therapy.
11. When I’m sick and Owen comes and sleeps on the bed with me all day…even though he usually lays on the chair downstairs during the day. I call him Nurse Owen for taking care of me!
That's all I have right now, but whenever I think of something else, I will add it...
Friday, August 26, 2011
The weird "movie" dream I had last night...
So last night (or very early this morning), I had this very consuming "movie" dream. I have these every once in a while, where I have a dream that is like a movie...I usually wake up exhausted (well, when you direct, produce and act in a movie all night...you usually do feel pretty wiped out eh?)
So anyway, here's the dream...I apologize if it makes no sense at all...but then again, maybe I should pitch it...hmmm...
I am at this museum like place, where I go through a number of exhibits (like the cloth found from Henry VIII, etc). Then I fall down this tunnel and end up in a room surrounded by other people who also fell down this tunnel. We climb up a stupid wall of shelves holding movies (irony?) and I finally reach this latch and open it up to find a slat no bigger than a business card...this is how we're supposed to be rescued. So this guy next to me gives me his business card and I stick it in (ripping it in the process, so good luck reading THAT) and we all fell off the wall. We were now stuck in this room, only one room away from this insanely vicious massive cannibal dog (thank goodness I don't watch horror movies cause every time he "caught" one, I would turn away so I never saw ANYTHING...whew!
So we were completely trapped here. Then suddenly, this guy walked through with a baby and the dog left him alone. He came into the room and we were all like "how did you do that?" Apparently, the dog won't touch anyone holding a baby. We end up getting out this side entrance into this house and look outside where there are literally hundreds of tornados and crazy lightning happening...so we're basically sitting ducks. We managed to get into another house (raiding their house for food cause we were starving) and avoiding the tornados. Now we just have to figure out how to get through that room with the dog without being killed. We come across this woman with a baby and decide to plan an escape to use the baby to get each one of us out. Then, it turns out that this whole destruction and evil dog is a plot by none other than Morgan Freeman (dude, I'm sorry, in my dream, you are evil!). One by one, we get killed by this dog and are no closer to escaping and we are now being hunted by more dogs (they are breeding these cannibal dogs to hunt us) and we're moving from house to house, hiding and trying to find a way to get home.
In the meantime, this family living in South Central LA (and no, I've never been there but apparently, I know all about it) works to escape these killer tornados taking over LA. They have to make it to this bridge (Golden Gate-my brain is apparently geographically confused too!) in this tiny little car.
I wish I could say that I "solved" the dream and saved the day for all these people but then my alarm woke me up and it's 10 a.m. and the dream is still sitting in my brain...and you wonder why I'm in therapy?? LOL If you figure out the ending, let me know!!
So anyway, here's the dream...I apologize if it makes no sense at all...but then again, maybe I should pitch it...hmmm...
I am at this museum like place, where I go through a number of exhibits (like the cloth found from Henry VIII, etc). Then I fall down this tunnel and end up in a room surrounded by other people who also fell down this tunnel. We climb up a stupid wall of shelves holding movies (irony?) and I finally reach this latch and open it up to find a slat no bigger than a business card...this is how we're supposed to be rescued. So this guy next to me gives me his business card and I stick it in (ripping it in the process, so good luck reading THAT) and we all fell off the wall. We were now stuck in this room, only one room away from this insanely vicious massive cannibal dog (thank goodness I don't watch horror movies cause every time he "caught" one, I would turn away so I never saw ANYTHING...whew!
So we were completely trapped here. Then suddenly, this guy walked through with a baby and the dog left him alone. He came into the room and we were all like "how did you do that?" Apparently, the dog won't touch anyone holding a baby. We end up getting out this side entrance into this house and look outside where there are literally hundreds of tornados and crazy lightning happening...so we're basically sitting ducks. We managed to get into another house (raiding their house for food cause we were starving) and avoiding the tornados. Now we just have to figure out how to get through that room with the dog without being killed. We come across this woman with a baby and decide to plan an escape to use the baby to get each one of us out. Then, it turns out that this whole destruction and evil dog is a plot by none other than Morgan Freeman (dude, I'm sorry, in my dream, you are evil!). One by one, we get killed by this dog and are no closer to escaping and we are now being hunted by more dogs (they are breeding these cannibal dogs to hunt us) and we're moving from house to house, hiding and trying to find a way to get home.
In the meantime, this family living in South Central LA (and no, I've never been there but apparently, I know all about it) works to escape these killer tornados taking over LA. They have to make it to this bridge (Golden Gate-my brain is apparently geographically confused too!) in this tiny little car.
I wish I could say that I "solved" the dream and saved the day for all these people but then my alarm woke me up and it's 10 a.m. and the dream is still sitting in my brain...and you wonder why I'm in therapy?? LOL If you figure out the ending, let me know!!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
You know you're a Mommy of a toddler/baby when...
I realize that yes, I am a Mommy, but it's always funny when you take a step back and realize how your life has changed so much since having your first child...here are some examples:
* You open up your purse at work and out tumbles a red crayon and/or other things that you did NOT put in there...and you're NOT shocked;
* Your friend calls you and tells you that when your purses were side by side, your child put your stuff in her purse and now she has your gum, lipgloss and hair brush;
* You look in your backseat and wish you had a dog to clean up all the Goldfish, cookie and bits of food taking up permanent residence back there;
* You reach under your seat and find an old bottle under there...which you immediately have to throw out because the thought of cleaning it disgusts you;
* Your daughter is wearing the cutest little dress, with adorable little shoes, with perfect pigtails and you realize that you are in a tank top, shorts, flip flops, with a ponytail that hasn't been brushed yet and no makeup on...you pray for no "family" pictures;
* You now know all the words to their favourite movie/movies and sing the songs in your sleep, while driving to work, while washing dishes, while having...ok, never mind...
* When you go out with your hubby on a date and you get all dressed up, that's the ONLY time your kid says "Mommy pretty!";
* You get to work and wash your travel mug...as well as the bottle your child left in the car...;
* You haven't watched a movie with REAL people in a long time;
* You have favourite brands of kids' clothes and toys but have no clue what's currently in fashion (ie: I had never heard of Bench until April in Moncton with my sister or New Balance sneakers until I bought a pair)
* You open up your purse at work and out tumbles a red crayon and/or other things that you did NOT put in there...and you're NOT shocked;
* Your friend calls you and tells you that when your purses were side by side, your child put your stuff in her purse and now she has your gum, lipgloss and hair brush;
* You look in your backseat and wish you had a dog to clean up all the Goldfish, cookie and bits of food taking up permanent residence back there;
* You reach under your seat and find an old bottle under there...which you immediately have to throw out because the thought of cleaning it disgusts you;
* Your daughter is wearing the cutest little dress, with adorable little shoes, with perfect pigtails and you realize that you are in a tank top, shorts, flip flops, with a ponytail that hasn't been brushed yet and no makeup on...you pray for no "family" pictures;
* You now know all the words to their favourite movie/movies and sing the songs in your sleep, while driving to work, while washing dishes, while having...ok, never mind...
* When you go out with your hubby on a date and you get all dressed up, that's the ONLY time your kid says "Mommy pretty!";
* You get to work and wash your travel mug...as well as the bottle your child left in the car...;
* You haven't watched a movie with REAL people in a long time;
* You have favourite brands of kids' clothes and toys but have no clue what's currently in fashion (ie: I had never heard of Bench until April in Moncton with my sister or New Balance sneakers until I bought a pair)
Friday, August 5, 2011
Time for detox...
Well, tomorrow the vacation starts...and until I arrive there, I will be totally stressed and anxious...I have so much floating around in my head, it's a wonder I can even do anything! I just have to get through the rest of this day (come on, I want to GO!!), then I plan on having a nap (or I will be asleep tonight by 9) and then clean, laundry, pack and organize. I have so many things to think of. I just keep thinking, "must be nice to be Clayton"...he just grabs his bag, throws some clothes in it...no real thought process and leaves". Me? I have to make my million lists, go room by room and grab everything I need, clean, organize, do laundry, clean out garbage cans, clean out fridge, pack stuff for me, for the bathroom, the kitchen, food, towels, bedding, Abby's stuff (she'll be with us from Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon) and Owen's stuff to go to my parents. I only relax once I'm there and unpacked...man, I cannot WAIT!
So, here's the schedule: Clayton and I arrive Saturday, sans Abby for a few days of alone time (otherwise known as pre baby time), then my parents are bringing her up with them for the day for beach (weather permitting) and such and then they leave and Clayton and I have her for the night. Then, Clayton and Abby leave Wednesday and my best friend Niki shows up Wednesday later on. Then, until Saturday, it's me and my BFF having kid free and spouse free time. Beach, sun, sand, shopping (sssh..don't tell...) and sleep...yes, naps are definitely on the agenda! A week of no worrying, reading (what the heck is THAT?), vegging, watching movies, playing games (does King's work with only 2 people? Oh and how the hell do you play Crazy 8's again?)...just get me through the next 24 hours please!!?
So, here's the schedule: Clayton and I arrive Saturday, sans Abby for a few days of alone time (otherwise known as pre baby time), then my parents are bringing her up with them for the day for beach (weather permitting) and such and then they leave and Clayton and I have her for the night. Then, Clayton and Abby leave Wednesday and my best friend Niki shows up Wednesday later on. Then, until Saturday, it's me and my BFF having kid free and spouse free time. Beach, sun, sand, shopping (sssh..don't tell...) and sleep...yes, naps are definitely on the agenda! A week of no worrying, reading (what the heck is THAT?), vegging, watching movies, playing games (does King's work with only 2 people? Oh and how the hell do you play Crazy 8's again?)...just get me through the next 24 hours please!!?
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