Nail envy does NOT translate into beauty nails!

I've been contemplating those "peel and stick" nails (not to be confused with the press on nails) from Sally Hansen for a while now. I liked the possibility they represented. I've always been crappy at painting my fingernails. First, my nails can never seem to grow long, they always start cracking, breaking or peeling, so I keep them trimmed short. I've tried the press on nails (I did this for my bridal shower...then spent the remaining time fruitlessly searching for the ones that fell off with my bridal party). Then, I suck at painting them (one hand looks like a child did it, the other hand looks like a blind person did it) and I hate the feeling of nail polish on my fingers. I use my hands all the time and always seem to have my hand near my mouth (stress relief...and this explains why I also break out around there too). So, I usually avoid it, but my husband always says how pretty it would look if my nails were painted (he loves the look but can't stand the smell of the nail polish or remover...I tell him to suck it up...if he wants the pretty, he has to put up with the stink) so I try. I inevitably fail...but I try! So what has changed? Pinterest...I'm totally addicted. It's like crack. I see this site, with all these beautiful pics and think I can do anything...even when I KNOW I am not capable. Surprisingly, this has extended to nails. I have a bunch of pictures of nail polish styles and I start going "Wow, that's so pretty! I can totally do that!" *FYI, I can NOT!* I'm too cheap to go to a salon and pay someone to do it. I grew up with the mentality of paying someone to do it when you can do it yourself is just frivolous. Maybe if we were more well off or I was more vain about stuff like that (or cared more), I'd do it more regularly. I think I've had maybe 6 manicures and 12 pedicures in my life. I save them for special occasions, birthday, wedding (I even got a GEL manicure for that!! I was so fancy...but once the honeymoon was over, I ripped every last one off!) or if I get one as a present. I have nail polish, have ideas on how to make my nails look good and fail every time. Case in point: Sunday night I wanted to try this thing where you have one colour on your nail and then another one drizzled on the tips...yeah, failed at that! Then, another one showed adding a few nail polish colours to a makeup sponge (triangle one) and dabbing it onto each nail, creating an ombre effect...yeah didn't work. So I had bought the peel and sticks (which were $10, but I justified it, as all women are inherently capable of doing when it comes to stuff like that) and planned on doing it for a night out. I ran out of time and didn't do it but last night, I decided to do it. I thought, easy peasy. Just like putting on a bandage. Peel the backing off, stick it to the nail and file off excess. That's what the instructions said. Well, maybe it's just me...but it did NOT work like that at all! Here's how MY experience went. 1. Peel off protective coating. Check! 2. Peel off backing. Check! 3. Break off tab where you want the edge to be. Check! 4. Press gently to nail. Check! Wait, why did it fall off? Check instructions...yep, did it all...so why isn't it sticking to my nail? Do I need to lick it first? Maybe there is ANOTHER backing...spend 10 minutes trying to find phantom backing, only to rip nail (not mine, the press on). Throw on table. Grab another nail. 5. Repeat first three steps. 6. Press gently to...really? WTF? Toss another nail. 7. Read instructions again. Nope I did it right...did I buy defective nails? Toss another nail on table. 8. Grab another nail...repeat and now I'm getting really frustrated. Did I mention that I'm doing this AFTER both my child and hubby are in bed? At least no one is witnessing my pathetic attempt. This should be easy. I feel like an idiot. 9. After I plough through the first package, I open up the next package and pray that maybe I just got a faulty first package. It's easier than admitting it's ME! 10. Peel off backing first (maybe I did it in the wrong order). Peel off front. Only part of the "nail" comes off...but it's better than nothing so I stick it to my pinky. Success! Now I have to "gently" file off the excess. I file. Nothing. Oops, wrong side! I file again and the "nail" starts sliding. I put down the file...and pick up the cuticle stick. I use that to "trim" off the excess (I compare this to using a knife to trim off the excess of a pie crust in the plate). THEN I file...a corner lifts up and I use the file to smack it back down. Sigh...one nail down. Grr...why is there a sliver down the side of my nail completely bare? I refuse to waste another nail so I pick up the excess I trimmed off and slap it back on my nail and trim it around the old piece and the edge of my nail. Ok, now to pat it down, smooth it out and maybe file it on top...ok, finally DONE! 30 minutes later and my one pinky is done. (Note: I should have given up at this point, but I am a stubborn wench and I already wasted the money and a whack of other nails from the first package so by golly, these were getting done!) 11. Repeat step 10...since 1-4 didn't work at ALL! Another excess trimmed...another little piece missing (grumble grumble grumble). Done! 12. And now time for another show! I was planning on getting this done in the time span of one show and then bedtime...but since that didn't work...time for another show! Finish up right hand...and that was the EASY hand...cause I'm a lefty. 13. Start on left hand. Wondering if I'll have enough nails for the left hand. Wondering if I can just do the one hand and convince people it's the newest "it" thing to do...yeah, probably not. Sigh... 14. Start viewing the discarded nails and wondering how hard it would be to salvage them. Beginning to think I should just spring for the professional gel manicure again...at least they stayed on and looked pretty...sigh again... 15. Resign myself to my fate and work on piecing together the rest of my nails with the leftover bits and trying to make them stretch to all five fingers. Patchwork nails, anyone? Thank goodness I pick the glitter ones and not a defined pattern like houndstooth or stripes, I would have been done after the first nail. 16. Finally finished...an hour and a half and two shows later. They look...like shit...fml...I'm going to bed. P.S. They stink too. I give up...I'm getting a massage next time. I'm so stressed out. P.P.S. Here is the final result. Enjoy it now because I'm sure by the weekend, they'll be completely gone or looking like crap!