The Three-Year-Old Roller Coaster Of My Life

Three years...I can't believe that my baby, once a tiny fragment of time and space, is now 3 years old. She is a walking, talking little person who has thoughts, imagination and a personality like no one else. I used to carry her in my belly. Now I carry her ON my belly...well to the side of it. Her tiny little fists used to curl around my pinkie finger. Now her little hand curls itself into my hand when we walk. Her hair used to be a little fuzz on the top of her head. Now her hair grows (wild) down her back, into her face and I am forever trying to tame it into submission (against her vehement protests and cries). I can't believe how much these 3 years have changed everything. Things I never realized about motherhood: 1. How EVERY day is a challenge full of rewards and exhaustion. -She can wear me out and make me sigh with happiness in the span of five minutes...no lie. Between potty training, getting rid of her bottle, brushing teeth and learning manners...I'm wiped out thinking about what more we have to do...then I remember she starts junior kindergarten next year...and I'm ready to pass out... 2. How I couldn't do what I do without my support network. -My husband is officially my saviour. I couldn't deal without having him there to keep me from melting down. He takes over without me having to say anything (usually the screaming and crying jolts him-Abby's, not mine!) and calms her and I down when both of us are overwrought and breaking down. My mom, who watches my girl two days a week for free and keeps her overnight once a week, give us a break and saves us some money and takes care of her just like a grandma would...with lots of TLC and home cooking! My neighbour and friend, who watches her three days a week, is amazing to her and charges us WAY less than we would have to pay elsewhere and never penalizes us for if Abby is sick or if we have to switch a day or ask for another day at the last minute. 3. How stubborn she can be. -Holy mama, is my child independent and stubborn. If she likes something, game on. If she doesn't, there is NO power on earth that will change her mind. I am constantly learning what my mom always said "Choose your battles" So if she decides AGAINST wearing a coat, I will bring it along and put it on her once she realized it's cold out, instead of struggling forever trying to get (and keep) it on her. It's a work in progress. 4. How hilarious I think my child is. -My mom used to say my brother and I always amused the "heck" out of her. And here I had always thought it was just my brother (known as the funny one). I get it now. Abby, with her insights, thoughts and imagination, kill me. I don't think one day goes by that she doesn't make me genuinely laugh. 5. How truly hard it is to be a mom...but it's worth it. -I can be having the worst day ever, ready to run away from it all and all it takes is those moments in the dark when I cuddle with her in bed and she reaches over and strokes my face, plays with my hair and whispers "I love you Mommy". Nothing, NOTHING, kills those bad moments in life quicker. 6. How much I love being her mommy. -When she's upset, she wants me to pick her up, rock side to side, kiss her head and stroke her hair. Her hand always reaches behind my head and strokes my ponytail and her body is completely melded into mine. Though she is getting bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier, I will pick her up as long as I can and give her that comfort. I know that as she gets older, more and more challenges will be thrown at me and my relationship with her. But I know that right now, my little girl is still my little girl and I'm ok with letting it stay that way for a while.

The "Waking" Dead

So, I thought I was in the clear. Once we moved Abby to a "big girl" bed, she slept through the night like a champ, with only the occasional middle of the night waking. Sure, she stopped letting me sleep in until 9 a.m. (she'd just play in her crib) but I was ok with that. Suddenly in the last few months, she started coming through the house, up the stairs to our bedroom (our house is the main floor, with our bedroom and 1/2 bath upstairs) in the middle of the night, startling me awake when she was whimpering next to me in the dark. I never brought her into bed with us because a) she's a crazy flailer and b) with only a queen size, it's way too tight and c) usually I won't sleep, even if she does. So, I pick her up, bring her back to her room and give her another bottle (we're working on weaning off the bottle but this mid night wake up is deterring that), then if I'm lucky, she's asleep until 7 a.m. (no more sleeping in for ME!) But I don't love her wandering through the dark house, coming up our stairs. Plus, I have to wake up, put her back to bed and then lie in bed, praying she won't get up again. Repeat over and over again and now I'm drinking coffee (I'm a hard core tea drinker and HATE coffee!) and falling asleep all the time or feeling like I'm going to. My sleep is shot. I try getting my husband to get up but waking him is like moving a boulder. And if I DO get him up, he gets mad at her, uses his "pissed off daddy voice" and she ends up really crying. It doesn't help the situation. It's not like she's doing it to be defiant! She could be sleep walking, having nightmares, etc. So, I end up having to take over anyway. But it was getting worse. She wouldn't really open her eyes fully, so she was getting klutzy (doesn't help that I'm her mom!!) One time, she walked right into our wall. Another time, it was the edge of the door. Then, she walked into the open fridge door while I was getting more milk for her. Last week was the final straw. I came home after having coffee with a friend and when I came in the front door, her door was open. Immediately, I started looking around for her. In the living room...nope. Dining room...nope. Then I saw a little pile of pink clothes on the stairs going to our room. I moved closer and sure enough, she was laying on her arms on one step and her knees on the lower step (up near the top, of course)...oh, and she was fast asleep. I took a pic cause I couldn't believe it and that's when I realized she was out cold. I called her name and finally tickled her foot. She moved and immediately it was "uh, Mommmmmmy!!" I scooped her up in my arms (wondering why she hadn't gone into the bedroom and why in god's green earth my husband, who was asleep, hadn't heard her) and put her back into bed. All I could think was "What if she had fallen down the stairs?" Now, I was really worried. I talked to my husband and my other mom friends and they all said "put a gate up across her door." So, that night, that's what I did. She was surprisingly cool with seeing me put it up before I put her to bed, even asking why I was doing it and when I said "Because Abby wanders the house at night and Mommy is afraid you are going to hurt yourself", she said "Ok, Mommy." Other than the one time she pushed through the bottom corner and was playing at the top of the stairs (at least this was at 7 a.m. so not too bad), I was able to keep her contained. Did this stop the night waking though? In a word...NO! Now, she'd just bang on the gate and yell for me...but at least I wasn't worrying about her wandering through the house, possibly falling down either our stairs or the ones going to the basement (another fear of mine cause we have to leave the door to the basement open for my cat because his litter box is down there). And I'm still the one getting up but at least, for the most part, it's only once a night. So I take it in stride, drink some coffee and hope this doesn't last much longer. I really hate having to gate her like a wild animal! And my husband wonders why I always nap? Hmmm...gee, let me think about that one...after my nap! zzzzzzz

Nail envy does NOT translate into beauty nails!

I've been contemplating those "peel and stick" nails (not to be confused with the press on nails) from Sally Hansen for a while now. I liked the possibility they represented. I've always been crappy at painting my fingernails. First, my nails can never seem to grow long, they always start cracking, breaking or peeling, so I keep them trimmed short. I've tried the press on nails (I did this for my bridal shower...then spent the remaining time fruitlessly searching for the ones that fell off with my bridal party). Then, I suck at painting them (one hand looks like a child did it, the other hand looks like a blind person did it) and I hate the feeling of nail polish on my fingers. I use my hands all the time and always seem to have my hand near my mouth (stress relief...and this explains why I also break out around there too). So, I usually avoid it, but my husband always says how pretty it would look if my nails were painted (he loves the look but can't stand the smell of the nail polish or remover...I tell him to suck it up...if he wants the pretty, he has to put up with the stink) so I try. I inevitably fail...but I try! So what has changed? Pinterest...I'm totally addicted. It's like crack. I see this site, with all these beautiful pics and think I can do anything...even when I KNOW I am not capable. Surprisingly, this has extended to nails. I have a bunch of pictures of nail polish styles and I start going "Wow, that's so pretty! I can totally do that!" *FYI, I can NOT!* I'm too cheap to go to a salon and pay someone to do it. I grew up with the mentality of paying someone to do it when you can do it yourself is just frivolous. Maybe if we were more well off or I was more vain about stuff like that (or cared more), I'd do it more regularly. I think I've had maybe 6 manicures and 12 pedicures in my life. I save them for special occasions, birthday, wedding (I even got a GEL manicure for that!! I was so fancy...but once the honeymoon was over, I ripped every last one off!) or if I get one as a present. I have nail polish, have ideas on how to make my nails look good and fail every time. Case in point: Sunday night I wanted to try this thing where you have one colour on your nail and then another one drizzled on the tips...yeah, failed at that! Then, another one showed adding a few nail polish colours to a makeup sponge (triangle one) and dabbing it onto each nail, creating an ombre effect...yeah didn't work. So I had bought the peel and sticks (which were $10, but I justified it, as all women are inherently capable of doing when it comes to stuff like that) and planned on doing it for a night out. I ran out of time and didn't do it but last night, I decided to do it. I thought, easy peasy. Just like putting on a bandage. Peel the backing off, stick it to the nail and file off excess. That's what the instructions said. Well, maybe it's just me...but it did NOT work like that at all! Here's how MY experience went. 1. Peel off protective coating. Check! 2. Peel off backing. Check! 3. Break off tab where you want the edge to be. Check! 4. Press gently to nail. Check! Wait, why did it fall off? Check instructions...yep, did it all...so why isn't it sticking to my nail? Do I need to lick it first? Maybe there is ANOTHER backing...spend 10 minutes trying to find phantom backing, only to rip nail (not mine, the press on). Throw on table. Grab another nail. 5. Repeat first three steps. 6. Press gently to...really? WTF? Toss another nail. 7. Read instructions again. Nope I did it right...did I buy defective nails? Toss another nail on table. 8. Grab another nail...repeat and now I'm getting really frustrated. Did I mention that I'm doing this AFTER both my child and hubby are in bed? At least no one is witnessing my pathetic attempt. This should be easy. I feel like an idiot. 9. After I plough through the first package, I open up the next package and pray that maybe I just got a faulty first package. It's easier than admitting it's ME! 10. Peel off backing first (maybe I did it in the wrong order). Peel off front. Only part of the "nail" comes off...but it's better than nothing so I stick it to my pinky. Success! Now I have to "gently" file off the excess. I file. Nothing. Oops, wrong side! I file again and the "nail" starts sliding. I put down the file...and pick up the cuticle stick. I use that to "trim" off the excess (I compare this to using a knife to trim off the excess of a pie crust in the plate). THEN I file...a corner lifts up and I use the file to smack it back down. Sigh...one nail down. Grr...why is there a sliver down the side of my nail completely bare? I refuse to waste another nail so I pick up the excess I trimmed off and slap it back on my nail and trim it around the old piece and the edge of my nail. Ok, now to pat it down, smooth it out and maybe file it on top...ok, finally DONE! 30 minutes later and my one pinky is done. (Note: I should have given up at this point, but I am a stubborn wench and I already wasted the money and a whack of other nails from the first package so by golly, these were getting done!) 11. Repeat step 10...since 1-4 didn't work at ALL! Another excess trimmed...another little piece missing (grumble grumble grumble). Done! 12. And now time for another show! I was planning on getting this done in the time span of one show and then bedtime...but since that didn't work...time for another show! Finish up right hand...and that was the EASY hand...cause I'm a lefty. 13. Start on left hand. Wondering if I'll have enough nails for the left hand. Wondering if I can just do the one hand and convince people it's the newest "it" thing to do...yeah, probably not. Sigh... 14. Start viewing the discarded nails and wondering how hard it would be to salvage them. Beginning to think I should just spring for the professional gel manicure again...at least they stayed on and looked pretty...sigh again... 15. Resign myself to my fate and work on piecing together the rest of my nails with the leftover bits and trying to make them stretch to all five fingers. Patchwork nails, anyone? Thank goodness I pick the glitter ones and not a defined pattern like houndstooth or stripes, I would have been done after the first nail. 16. Finally finished...an hour and a half and two shows later. They look...like shit...fml...I'm going to bed. P.S. They stink too. I give up...I'm getting a massage next time. I'm so stressed out. P.P.S. Here is the final result. Enjoy it now because I'm sure by the weekend, they'll be completely gone or looking like crap!

Do I HAVE to let her grow up?

Letting Abby grow up is harder than I thought. I'm definitely not rushing her but I'm not holding her back either. So, why do I still rock her to sleep (well, doziness) in my arms when I put her to bed? I've finally figured it out. I'm NOT doing it for her (cause I could be tough and chuck the rocking chair or at least move it out of the room). I'm really doing it for me. I get it. All day long, she's away from me while I work. At night, she's either too busy to cuddle or doesn't want to. Getting her to sit still only happens when we are in the car. So, why do I do it? Because it's the one time of day that she turns back into my little baby. She lays in my arms, sprawled out (and yes, she does take up a LOT more room on my lap now!) and has her bottle (we're slowly working on weaning THAT off but she doesn't do a soother or suck her thumb so it's her security blankie) and just snuggles into me. She smells so adorable, she sighs, I can kiss her and stroke her hair and she LETS me. No "No Mommy!" or swatting me away. It's the one time when I get to get my mommy fill. I can watch her in her sweetest. Her eyes closed, her little cheeks moving as she has her bottle, her little hand twisting in her hair. She's not frowning, throwing a temper, fidgeting, running away or crying. Just letting me adore her again. Sigh...not gonna lie...it's hard to let that go. I know I have to eventually but in the meantime, I will not begrudge those moments of my time. I know I should have trained her to go to sleep on her own ages ago but I know that even as she gets older, she'll want me to cuddle with her in bed, reading a book, singing to her or rubbing her back. It's what her sister did. I used to have moments of wishing Bella would just go to bed on her own because I was missing out on time with friends when they were over visiting or because I was tired and wanted to go to bed myself. But with Abby, I know how fleeting all this is and how quickly they go from wanting you near them to pushing you away so if I have to sacrifice some time now to get to cuddle with my little girl, I'll take it and hold on for dear life. When her guard is down like that, she only wants me and I'm sorry but I frigging love that! A lot of times in my life, I feel like I can't do anything right. And maybe this isn't right either but she wants it and I need it. In that darkened room, with her little music box playing out that same tune she's fallen asleep too since she was born, we have our "moment" again. I can't be stressed, angry, upset or worried when I get to hold that little angel in my arms. And when I whisper "I love you Abby" and she opens her eyes, smiles, takes her bottle out of her mouth and whispers "I loves you too Mommy", my heart melts and I know that nothing in this world will ever make me feel so at peace. And THAT is a true gift for me!

The look of Mommy!

I've come to the conclusion that since having Abby, I now know what the "look" of a mom really is. Let me break it down...and I know not ALL moms go through this but here's how I'VE changed since having my baby two and a half years ago.
1. The ponytail holder on the wrist. In case I need to whip my hair into a ponytail. To be fair, I've been doing this for years, but chasing around my toddler, my thick hair gets hot on my neck very quickly so I need something to whip it up at a moment's notice. And when I do it, it does NOT look like the celebrity moms who also rock this look.
2. Mysterious stains on clothing at any given time. First it was spit up, then formula, then anything my daughter was eating. Then, she got involved in the eating process. Now I don't get spit up on...I get handled. Nothing worse than a sticky toddler's fingers! Oy!
3. Bruises everywhere. I've always been klutzy, I know this. But when I look down at my knees, I always have a bruise. Whether I'm walking into child-sized furniture or my kid is walking into me, I'm a maze of bruises. Not to mention how many times I get hit in the back, elbow or side while trying to rush out the door in the morning.
4. No makeup. I've never been a makeup addict (except for the 80's, which I'm NOT apologizing for!) but now I can spend days without makeup. I don't always do it intentionally, but once I realize I'm makeup free, I try not to make contact with mirrors. Out and about is one thing. Out and about and realizing you look like a "before" shot of a makeover is another.
5. Sturdy necklaces ONLY. I used to wear all kinds of necklaces. Long, short, beaded, chains. But now, because of curious fingers and possible breakage, I stick to my chunky "sturdy" necklaces that don't break. I also make sure I never wear bracelets or big dangly earrings. I've seen beads explode into a tiny pinging mess on the floor and have no desire to have an earring ripped out of my lobe. I dress for survival now!
6. Flats or sneakers. I always wonder how celebrities can chase their kids in stilettos or those ridiculous platforms. Oh, wait...they have NANNIES...who are obviously going to be in sneakers. Maybe THIS is why I'm not famous...hmmm...well, I live in sneakers or flats. Ok, I usually have before but sturdy shoes and sturdy jewelry are essential!
7. Pants at all times! I do wear skirts to work and even dresses. But when I know I'm going to be hanging out with my kid, it's pants, jeans or shorts ALL the time. I can just visualize her yanking down my skirt by accident, or pulling it up or me trying to pick her up and giving everyone a show. But by wearing jeans and pants, I can easily chase her, bend over and sit down on the floor when she's having a meltdown.
8. Layers. I'm a layer girl but now my weekend look is usually a tank top, t-shirt and hoodie. When I get hot, running around, bending over, I can take off the hoodie easily. If I'm cold, zip it up. Even in the winter, I do this look.
9. Tucking a tank into EVERYTHING. I love my layers but I HATE back drafts. Bending over, I get that little sliver of space between my top and bottom and it drives me nuts. So I now have tank tops in 300 colours and you will 95% of the time see one tucked into my jeans or pants or shorts. Besides, when you decide to sit on the floor with your kid and your husband starts to tell you what underwear you are wearing, at least having that tank top to cover it up means not EVERYONE will know what undies you are wearing.
10. Diaper bag as purse. During the week, I'm all purse. On the weekends, I usually toss it on the counter, grab my wallet and other essentials and toss them into her small diaper bag. I know, hot huh? But I can get her diapers, a change of clothes (for her, not me...unfortunately), wipes, my wallet, snacks and a sippy cup all in there and plus, I can put it down and not worry. Who's going to steal a worn out diaper bag? It's not new, designer or slightly cool. It's faded green, old and tired. Perfect!
So there you have it, my Mommy style secrets. I haven't changed much. But I have been trying a little on the weekends when I have a few minutes to myself. I have perfected the little front pouf and pony so I look like I did something other than roll out of bed and threw my hair into an elastic. (This requires a little hairspray, two bobby pins and my ponytail holder...even gimpy hair me can't mess THAT up!) and I have this powder foundation that covers up all my pimples and blotches and a little bronzer and eyeliner and I look like a cute mom instead of sleep deprived and wanting a siesta!

35 Things to do before I'm 35

I have heard of these lists, read them and thought about them...but then I realized "Holy crap, I will be 35 this October!" and I thought, "Yeah, why NOT!" So here it is... 35 Things I want to do before I turn 35-Deadline is October 26, 2012 *These aren't in order of importance...just in order of when my brain thinks of them For me: 1. Hair cut (Victoria Beckham) REALLY SHORT and edgy. 2. Get a tattoo. (SAVE FOR BIRTHDAY) 3. Grow my nails long and healthy. 4. Paint my nails really cool and funky. 5. Finish reading Eclipse. 6. Read Breaking Dawn. 7. Have a spa day. 8. Get rid of breakouts and problem spots. 9. Learn to do a front flip on the trampoline. 10. Go away for a weekend by myself. 11. Do Zumba or take a class. 12. Take yoga again. 13. Pick a project and FINISH it. 14. Use deep fryer to make GF fish & chips 15. Go see 5 movies I’m excited about. For ABBY: 16. Make Abby five things. 17. Take Abby to Canada’s Wonderland. 18. Finish Abby’s Year 1 scrapbook. 19. Take Abby hiking 5 times. 20. Take Abby camping. 21. Get Abby potty trained. 22. Complete Abby’s Year 1 photo album. 23. Take Abby to the zoo or petting farm. 24. Take Abby to Crystal Beach or Bing 5 times. 25. Do 5 crafts WITH Abby. Relationship, misc. 26. Go rock climbing. 27. Go AWAY for vacation. 28. Get pregnant. 29. Redecorate our backyard to look good. 30. Make my relationship with Clayton a priority again. 31. Finish redecorating/fixing up front hall closet. 32. Do something about my sciatica/piriformis. 33. Organize all my craft stuff. 34. Organize all my papers. 35. Get a new job closer to home with better hours.

Grocery shopping with toddlers...

So Saturday night I was bored, wanted to get out of the house, Clayton was being a lump on the couch and we needed a few things at the grocery store, so decided to go. I figured since Abby was in such a good mood, had her nap, I brought her with me. I knew I was only going to be there for a short period of time so even if she had a meltdown, I would be okay.
We got there and she wanted to get in the cart...then she wanted out, then in...I was already getting frustrated and we hadn't even entered the store yet. Then I remembered those little "kid" carts that she used once before. "Let's go get Abby a cart!" Abby's eyes lit up. "Ok, let's go Mommy!" She ran over to the carts and pulled one out, nearly knocking over another child in the process...but no tears so all was good. Then, we commenced getting groceries. I figured that she'd "help" me put things in her cart and love pushing it around. Nah...what she really loved was the freedom to put anything her heart's desire wanted in "her" cart. First, it was a lime. Then, an orange. A bag of cranberries. Oops, gotta go get a loaf of Wonderbread, Mommy...ooh, what are these? I'll only take one...chestnut? Huh...
I had nothing in my cart and my kid was getting a bizarre assortment of stuff. I never told her not to, I just snuck behind her and put them back while she was off getting another thing. An apple...no, put that one back, maybe a green one? Ooh, raisins! Some tortillas, multi grain bread...MOMMY, it's CAKE! Ok, I need to put this bread away and get the cake. I know I could have been irritated by all this extra work. What was supposed to be a short grocery trip was becoming a three ring circus workout...for me! But truthfully, I didn't mind. She was so happy, so interested in the food and running down the aisles with her little cart, she made a cute picture. People smiled at her, laughed when she decided to put something back and get something else. I was just keeping her moving along and when her cart got full, she just started dumping her cart's contents into mine and start all over again. I didn't buy anything she put in there, except for the pretzels (cause man, this kid loves her pretzels) and a green apple...oh and a kiwi (cause on the drive over, she asked for a kiwi). I just loved watching her having so much fun. She didn't whine, cry, throw herself down on the floor or throw stuff around. And when we were all done, she took her cart over to the others and put it back while I waited in line for her. She didn't toss it in the general direction, nope, she very carefully put it right back in. Then she came back and asked if she could have pretzels...in a bowl...and watch Barbie. I smiled and said "Ok, but what do you say?" She looked up, pushed her shaggy little mop out of her blue eyes and smiled "Please Mommy?" And these are the moments that make your heart swell. I know she will cause me frustration and grief many times throughout her childhood but right now, I'm just treasuring these little moments where I utterly and completely am just enjoying being with her. Sigh...